V E N T I L A T I O N

I don't mean to make this a negative space but what better place than here?

Growing up I have always shared a room with my sister. We had a house at one point where my sister and I could have had separate rooms but we never got past the bunk beds stage in life. So we literally have always shared a room. And it was fine. Sure there were fights and messes but at the end of the day, I always got the clean room I was after. 

I've found that as a person, I thrive in a clean environment. It provides me with clarity, peace of mind and it's just so much more enjoyable when I can see everything in it's place. When I was looking to move out I figured that sharing a room with someone wouldn't be hard since I had been doing it since I was basically six years old. I knew it was a long shot that I would find someone who loves to clean but I figured that making your bed and taking your hair out of the shower were common courtesies that are allowed to be expected while sharing a room with another adult. 

Turns out this whole experience is quite the eye opener. 

I realized not too long ago that I bullied my sister into cleaning our room and when she wouldn't do it, I would. Because she was my sister and I could move whatever I wanted around because duh. Well you can't really do that to a grown adult. You have to deal with the dirty clothes all over the floor and closet, the mice-sized hair balls in the drain that won't get thrown away by the other person EVER, half the carpet getting vacuumed, tooth paste on the mirror and all sorts of shit. 

Here's to good vibes, positive energy and knowledge coming from this experience. 

As of late

My apartment is dark and empty. It's both a blessing and a curse. Blessing because our utility bill is dirt cheap, curse because it always feels so lonely in here. 

Since no one is ever home, my roommates and I are just kinda here.. Everyone has their own friends.. Haha except for me.. I don't know what I was expecting but it wasn't this. 

I can feel this weird energy entering me.. It's not one I want but I'm so tired all the time I can't find the energy to get out and do something about it.. I'm just so damn tired and sometimes even sad. Today I made dinner and came into bed and for whatever reason, started crying. I miss being happy and don't know how to get back there.. 

Here's to better days.🌻

It's official

Welcome to the U. Where boobies and booties are always wanting to be included. Where there are more brotha's than I have ever seen before. Where my new home is the OSH building (which smells like old and is slightly out dated). Where I kind of miss UVU.. (The ideal situation would be to have UVU's buildings and connecting hallway in salt lake and call it the U)

I'm both excited and terrified of this place. Which is weird since this has literally been the goal for as long as I can remember. I never imagined being anything but excited.I realized it was small at UVU, here I'm virtually invisible. The canpus is twice as big and I might need a map to get around. 

Here's to living the dream (quite literally)! 

Side note: I wore a red and white striped shirt to orientation... And I didn't even realize until I was parking. How embarrassing. 

Not much better than this.

Yesterday was as close to perfect as I've ever been. It wasn't anything really but it was perfect and it ran any doubt out of my heart.I found some recipe on Pinterest and we decided to make it for dinner. We went to my house for the missing ingredients and then walmart. We decided we would try to make chicken tortilla stacks. 

this was the actual thing. 

this was the idea.

Not shabby at all for a first attempt. And it was delish. We watched Pitch Perfect during dinner and afterwards moved to the couch. Somewhere in that I fell asleep in his arms and realized that was perfection. If that's what we did every Friday night, I would be happy simply because it was us. We got into dumb little arguments, slow danced in the kitchen and sipped lemonade. If that's not perfection, I'm not sure what is. Here's to being happy. 

DISNEYLAND

two weeks ago I ran away to Disneyland because it truly is the happiest place on earth. 

breakfast in downtown Disney the day after. 

It was really only a weekend trip. I got there Thursday night, went to Disneyland on Friday, we had a family "reunion" dinner on Saturday but we didn't bring our camera that day and all our phones died, and we came back on Sunday. My mom drove from Anaheim to the Bakersfield exit then I drove from there to Las Vegas then she took over until San George and then I drove all the way home. 

That night was when I decided to call things off with Tanner and I hung out with the boy. It was an interesting night to say the least. After it was all said and done, I was honestly more confused than ever. Here I have the boy I loved for the past two years telling me he wants to come back (again) and I have another really sweet guy who I can see a relationship with. I think I was angry for a minute because I was doing what he wanted me to. He told me to let this go and see where it takes us. I was scared to and when I did some one really nice walked in. I guess when I said "If we are meant to be then our paths will cross again" I didn't expect it to be so soon. I thought the earliest I would see him would be in August. IF that. Not four weeks after and certainly not a  WEEK after I met Tanner. But here I am. Blogging on his macbook on his favorite spot on his couch. Things certainly aren't the same and I don't think they ever will be again. 

Our break really matured our relationship and it's taken it to a whole new level of appreciation for each other. Maybe our new beginning is having a relationship as adults instead of us having to find a middle ground between high school and college. Now we're both equals. 

A Letter.

it may be because I am literally running on empty.

or because it's finals. 

or because i'm due for a lovely visit from dear mother nature. 

but I read this and cried a little.. 

here's the link

Dear Future Love of My Life:
I know. I should have written before. Forgive me. But I got the feeling that you were beginning to think I didn't exist. But I do. And I wanted to let you know that while I might be as elusive as a unicorn grazing in a field of four-leaf clovers, I'm close. I'm around the corner, down the street, on Facebook, in your office, at our local coffee shop, a complete stranger. I made eyes at you once on the subway. I saw you across the room at a party. I swiped you right on Tinder. But it's not our time yet. And I know you're wondering why.
It's really not fair that you've had to wait this long, or go on blind dates, endure bad sex, settle for 'meh' relationships, feel misunderstood, cry from loneliness, wrap your arms around a pillow as you fall asleep at night. I'm so sorry, my love. You deserve an explanation. So, here it goes. It's taken me a long time to even admit this to myself much less to you, so please know that everything I've written here is true.
The reasons we haven't met yet, in no particular order:
1. I haven't thrown out the list of things I think you should be.
2. I'm with the wrong person right now.
3. I'm not ready to be loved unconditionally.
4. Since my life isn't together, I think you'll reject me.
5. I still believe that drama is a show of love.
6. I've been intentionally keeping my head too busy to think with my heart.
7. I need to date more to understand what I do and don't like.
8. I won't be able to appreciate you until life has kicked my ass.
9. I'm too focused on my own needs.
10. I don't know how to create the feeling of home that lives in my heart.
Clearly, I'm not my best self yet. Or even myself -- I'm still figuring out who that is. I'm pretty sure even if we did meet, you wouldn't like me all that much right now. It's entirely possible that we did hit it off once, and I left without getting your information; or maybe I did get your number and never called because of any one of the above reasons.
Be patient with me, darling heart. Know that I'm working my way toward you. So don't spend any more time thinking about where I am or am not. Just keep making your life exciting and full, so when we do finally come together, we can bring each other joy, because we are already happy.
I know it's taking longer than you'd like. It's a hell of a lot slower than I could have ever imagined. But I'm here. This is me talking to you. And I'm not going anywhere.
Don't give up on me.
Yours, in perpetuity,
The Love You Haven't Met Yet

two posts because I can.

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tell me your secrets

ask me your questions 

lets go back to the start 

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