Not much better than this.

Yesterday was as close to perfect as I've ever been. It wasn't anything really but it was perfect and it ran any doubt out of my heart.I found some recipe on Pinterest and we decided to make it for dinner. We went to my house for the missing ingredients and then walmart. We decided we would try to make chicken tortilla stacks. 

this was the actual thing. 

this was the idea.

Not shabby at all for a first attempt. And it was delish. We watched Pitch Perfect during dinner and afterwards moved to the couch. Somewhere in that I fell asleep in his arms and realized that was perfection. If that's what we did every Friday night, I would be happy simply because it was us. We got into dumb little arguments, slow danced in the kitchen and sipped lemonade. If that's not perfection, I'm not sure what is. Here's to being happy. 

DISNEYLAND

two weeks ago I ran away to Disneyland because it truly is the happiest place on earth. 

breakfast in downtown Disney the day after. 

It was really only a weekend trip. I got there Thursday night, went to Disneyland on Friday, we had a family "reunion" dinner on Saturday but we didn't bring our camera that day and all our phones died, and we came back on Sunday. My mom drove from Anaheim to the Bakersfield exit then I drove from there to Las Vegas then she took over until San George and then I drove all the way home. 

That night was when I decided to call things off with Tanner and I hung out with the boy. It was an interesting night to say the least. After it was all said and done, I was honestly more confused than ever. Here I have the boy I loved for the past two years telling me he wants to come back (again) and I have another really sweet guy who I can see a relationship with. I think I was angry for a minute because I was doing what he wanted me to. He told me to let this go and see where it takes us. I was scared to and when I did some one really nice walked in. I guess when I said "If we are meant to be then our paths will cross again" I didn't expect it to be so soon. I thought the earliest I would see him would be in August. IF that. Not four weeks after and certainly not a  WEEK after I met Tanner. But here I am. Blogging on his macbook on his favorite spot on his couch. Things certainly aren't the same and I don't think they ever will be again. 

Our break really matured our relationship and it's taken it to a whole new level of appreciation for each other. Maybe our new beginning is having a relationship as adults instead of us having to find a middle ground between high school and college. Now we're both equals. 

Emotionally Processing.

I've been wanting to write this post for a while now. But I didn't think I was ready to face all these emotions. They're not as raw anymore because I survived to the end. I know I can get through awful situations and I know I have a solid group of individuals who love me. 

During those 4 weeks I learned a lot about myself. 

I learned that I'm a lot stronger than I thought I was. Up until that point, I never imagined that our relationship would come to an end. It just wasn't something that would happen. Not to us. We were the high school sweethearts that would defy all odds and have it all. The nice house with an office, our degrees hanging from the wall, granite counter tops and french doors. I honestly didn't know how I could cope without my other half. I think where this all stemmed from was this relationship being my first love. I didn't know what it was like to want someone to be happy even if it meant without you. That's why I was so willing to let this idea play out. If you think being happy without me is what you want, go ahead. I'll find myself a new happy. So that's what I went looking for. 

During that phone call in Hawaii, I was fighting so many emotions. I was heartbroken- the one person I loved was choosing to walk away from me. It was the typical "it's not you, it's me". Angry- he broke up with me on THE PHONE and when I mentioned this he said "well.. you called." Frustrated- I made it through graduation, losing all my friends and finding the ones who are really keepers. I knew the ropes. Why was I the very first thing to get cut out? Understanding- My high school experience differed a lot from his. I was single for the most part and I kissed my fair share of boys (which he promptly reminded me of), I worked myself into awfully sticky situations and often times, bailed myself out. I wasn't ready to be any one person's. I was my own and I loved every minute of it. He was the kid who was always in a relationship. So I guess I understood when he wanted to "hang with his buddies." Confusion- If you weren't sure you wanted to stay, then why the hell did you ask to? Why the hell did you make me feel like we could work through this if you were planning on ditching me a week later? Love- even though it had been quite some time since he had told me he loved me, or even showed it. I knew it was real when I wanted him to find his happiness. Even if that didn't include me.

Through that call, I kept myself together. And by that I mean that I was able to talk through the tears and I was able to think of what NEEDED to be said, not what I wanted to say. 

Once I hung up, I felt hollow for a minute, then I felt myself crumple. The calm before the storm. It was sort of like an outer body experience. I could hear these awful sobs and feel a shortness of breath. It took me a minute to realize they were coming from me. It was the ugly cry where you get snot in your hair and you're fighting to breathe. Once you inhale instead of calming yourself down, you just go into another fit and your body is just shaking. No matter how many times you try to pull yourself together, you just can't. 

As time went on, I cried. A lot. On my way home, I cried in LAX when I talked to my mom. I cried when she picked me up from the airport, and when he dropped off Britt's present, I was livid. It was a angry cry. A "what the fuck makes you think you are welcome anywhere near my house?". My mom told me it'd be easier to get angry. But being angry is so exhausting and he wasn't worth it anymore. He didn't want me so why should I exert any energy in him anymore? I just wanted to be sad. So I was. 

Britt pulled my cards one day and they were all sort of the same thing. One was a tunnel with a light at the end, support, and two freedoms. I felt like it was the universe telling me that there is light at the end of the tunnel and that I was going to make it. With so many upcoming changes in the near future, the others just told me that whatever I decided to do, I would have the support I required. I was being told time and time again that I was going to be okay. That I was going to come out of this so much stronger than ever before. 

Four weeks later, I realized I did. This new me knows how to handle a real heart break. Knows that she's not the not-so-pretty friend, not the perma wing woman anymore. I think that has always been an insecurity of mine. My best friends growing up always had boys all over them and after a while it gets old... I played it off as "I don't have time for anyone else anyways.." "I don't even care" "there's no one here that I would even WANT to date." but after so many years of being wing woman, you start to think that it's because you aren't as pretty, skinny, funny, easy or whatever. I think these four weeks taught me that i'm great. If I have to try to impress you, you aren't worth my time. I came to love myself in a whole new light and I'm finally realizing that I don't have to settle for anyone. I'm a catch that is worth fighting for.

 I learned to handle things gracefully upfront and that the crazy is saved for the best friends and mom, to find the good in a shitty situation and what I really want in the man I want to marry. So I can't say that this break up was all bad. 

And it gets better.. 

So this boy..

This boy's name is Tanner. He's really sweet, kisses the back of my hand and dips me when he kisses me. 

We first met last Saturday and that was the previous post, he asked me to go over the next day after conference to watch a movie. One turned to two and after a back rub I fell asleep half way through Spider-Man 2. 

Monday we just talked all day.

The first thing he said to me on Tuesday was "wanna go to lunch?" So off to waffle love we went that day. Afterwards, I took him to my favorite park and we just sat on a bench and talked until he had to work. 

Wednesday he told me he wanted to see me before I left to California. Which was strange because I just saw him, but it was flattering. He lives in mapleton so the fact that he's willing to come so far out of his way to see me is sweet. We agreed on a late movie after work. Off to capitan America we went! It was a really good movie and he asked me to go camping with him next weekend up in payson lakes. I said yes because why not? Then he was being weird and started asking random questions. 

T: "I have a question for you.." 

A: "yes?"

T: "uhh... Do you like my new pants?"

A: "oh new jeans are always great!" 

T: "what about my cologne? Which one do you like more?" 

A: "uh both! What's your actual question..?" 

T: "you tell me my question."

A: "I don't know your question. But I know your jeans isn't what you really want to talk about." 

T: " will you be my girlfriend..?"

He did the whole works. Flowers, a movie and was just the sweetest. But something wasn't quite right. So I told him I'd think about it.. 

And it wasn't until last night that I realized why I couldn't say yes..

birthday nothings

well i have officially been twenty for the past ten days and boy oh boy. 

nothing has changed. i don't think i know how to be twenty quite yet. it all feels the same. 

kind of like when you wake up on your thirteenth birthday and expect to feel different because you are finally a teenager , but you don't because you really aren't. in some ways i feel extremely old. i mean i'm finally out of my teens, high school has been over for almost two years, i'm a sophomore in college, i bought my first car.. those sorts of things. but in others i feel the exact same. puppies make me squeal, forehead kisses are still my favorite, i cuddle my mom when i'm sad and juice boxes are still great. i guess my soul will forever be six. 

as for my actual birthday, it was definitely one for the books. 

the boy was leaving on a Mexican vacation on the eighteenth, so they had Christmas on fourteenth and that night we did birthday stuff just so we could fit it all in. 

it started off with me sleeping in if I remember correctly and me making my way to the shower very slowly. i had to be ready by four thirty because there was a furry something waiting for us at the boy's house. 

A PUPPY. 

this is Rosie. some sort of lovely mix that ended up with giant ears. it's safe to say that my heart was stolen by this pup. she played for a little, tried to eat tay's hair and was dropped a few times because Krew was just as excited about Rosie as i was (i knew i liked that kid). after a little i got to puppy-hog and cuddle her to sleep while getting a foot rub. yes, he really is THAT amazing. but then i realized that i don't really know what to do with a puppy.. but it was still the best hour of the night:) 

then we went to costa for dinner before heading off to catching fire!! which is a huge deal because usually we hit up the dollar theater, so when catching fire came out i asked if we could go see it in the real movie theater because i didn't want to wait. of course he said "maybe.." which usually means no if it involves spending more money than really necessary. but off we went!:) when we got there tay realized that he actually had tickets for the day before so we quickly had to go to the guest services desk and ask if we could just switch the date. luckily the woman said it was okay and we got pretty awesome seats! we ended up in the handi-capped seats! the movie itself was SO GOOD! #teampeeta 

i figured my birthday fun day would be over around now, i mean i got a dang PUPPY, but nope. off we went to magleby's for their famous chocolate cake. for me!:)

then! we went to Mimi's cafe for birthday hot chocolate:) 

which was super cute because we did this for my birthday last year too!

aren't we just the cutest?? 

then we ended the night on taylor's couch cuddling after a packed birthday full of a FETCHING PUPPY. 

so that Monday, my actual birthday..

 the weeks leading up to finals are so much more stressful for me than actual finals week so by the time finals actually started, on my birthday, i was burnt out and ready to call it quits and become a stripper. somehow (with the help of my lovely sister and tay) everything got done and i pounded out 3 finals on my birthday. it was sort of like a present from the universe; the light at the end of the tunnel was visible. the end was near. 

i went to work for about half hour before calling it quits for the day. i mean i just took THREE finals and it was my BIRTHDAY. i came home and took a much deserved birthday nap and then my mom woke  me up and asked what i wanted for dinner. i chose smokehouse something.. and we had a great dinner then tay came over again! but this time be brought presents! he came over and we ate cake...

and he gave me presents! 

i got a pair of cool shoes, a GIANT flannel that smells like him:), a phone case and GIANT candy canes!

then i just curled up next to this hunk after a long day and we called it good. 

and now i'm welcoming twenty with open arms. 

my parents gave me an iphone and service for my birthday! it's kinda funny how little things like that can sometimes be the best birthday present ever. it's one less bill i need to pay. and in between work and christmas dinner we decided that we'd go out to dinner this weekend for my birthday:) the celebration is yet on going!