DISNEYLAND

two weeks ago I ran away to Disneyland because it truly is the happiest place on earth. 

breakfast in downtown Disney the day after. 

It was really only a weekend trip. I got there Thursday night, went to Disneyland on Friday, we had a family "reunion" dinner on Saturday but we didn't bring our camera that day and all our phones died, and we came back on Sunday. My mom drove from Anaheim to the Bakersfield exit then I drove from there to Las Vegas then she took over until San George and then I drove all the way home. 

That night was when I decided to call things off with Tanner and I hung out with the boy. It was an interesting night to say the least. After it was all said and done, I was honestly more confused than ever. Here I have the boy I loved for the past two years telling me he wants to come back (again) and I have another really sweet guy who I can see a relationship with. I think I was angry for a minute because I was doing what he wanted me to. He told me to let this go and see where it takes us. I was scared to and when I did some one really nice walked in. I guess when I said "If we are meant to be then our paths will cross again" I didn't expect it to be so soon. I thought the earliest I would see him would be in August. IF that. Not four weeks after and certainly not a  WEEK after I met Tanner. But here I am. Blogging on his macbook on his favorite spot on his couch. Things certainly aren't the same and I don't think they ever will be again. 

Our break really matured our relationship and it's taken it to a whole new level of appreciation for each other. Maybe our new beginning is having a relationship as adults instead of us having to find a middle ground between high school and college. Now we're both equals. 

Emotionally Processing.

I've been wanting to write this post for a while now. But I didn't think I was ready to face all these emotions. They're not as raw anymore because I survived to the end. I know I can get through awful situations and I know I have a solid group of individuals who love me. 

During those 4 weeks I learned a lot about myself. 

I learned that I'm a lot stronger than I thought I was. Up until that point, I never imagined that our relationship would come to an end. It just wasn't something that would happen. Not to us. We were the high school sweethearts that would defy all odds and have it all. The nice house with an office, our degrees hanging from the wall, granite counter tops and french doors. I honestly didn't know how I could cope without my other half. I think where this all stemmed from was this relationship being my first love. I didn't know what it was like to want someone to be happy even if it meant without you. That's why I was so willing to let this idea play out. If you think being happy without me is what you want, go ahead. I'll find myself a new happy. So that's what I went looking for. 

During that phone call in Hawaii, I was fighting so many emotions. I was heartbroken- the one person I loved was choosing to walk away from me. It was the typical "it's not you, it's me". Angry- he broke up with me on THE PHONE and when I mentioned this he said "well.. you called." Frustrated- I made it through graduation, losing all my friends and finding the ones who are really keepers. I knew the ropes. Why was I the very first thing to get cut out? Understanding- My high school experience differed a lot from his. I was single for the most part and I kissed my fair share of boys (which he promptly reminded me of), I worked myself into awfully sticky situations and often times, bailed myself out. I wasn't ready to be any one person's. I was my own and I loved every minute of it. He was the kid who was always in a relationship. So I guess I understood when he wanted to "hang with his buddies." Confusion- If you weren't sure you wanted to stay, then why the hell did you ask to? Why the hell did you make me feel like we could work through this if you were planning on ditching me a week later? Love- even though it had been quite some time since he had told me he loved me, or even showed it. I knew it was real when I wanted him to find his happiness. Even if that didn't include me.

Through that call, I kept myself together. And by that I mean that I was able to talk through the tears and I was able to think of what NEEDED to be said, not what I wanted to say. 

Once I hung up, I felt hollow for a minute, then I felt myself crumple. The calm before the storm. It was sort of like an outer body experience. I could hear these awful sobs and feel a shortness of breath. It took me a minute to realize they were coming from me. It was the ugly cry where you get snot in your hair and you're fighting to breathe. Once you inhale instead of calming yourself down, you just go into another fit and your body is just shaking. No matter how many times you try to pull yourself together, you just can't. 

As time went on, I cried. A lot. On my way home, I cried in LAX when I talked to my mom. I cried when she picked me up from the airport, and when he dropped off Britt's present, I was livid. It was a angry cry. A "what the fuck makes you think you are welcome anywhere near my house?". My mom told me it'd be easier to get angry. But being angry is so exhausting and he wasn't worth it anymore. He didn't want me so why should I exert any energy in him anymore? I just wanted to be sad. So I was. 

Britt pulled my cards one day and they were all sort of the same thing. One was a tunnel with a light at the end, support, and two freedoms. I felt like it was the universe telling me that there is light at the end of the tunnel and that I was going to make it. With so many upcoming changes in the near future, the others just told me that whatever I decided to do, I would have the support I required. I was being told time and time again that I was going to be okay. That I was going to come out of this so much stronger than ever before. 

Four weeks later, I realized I did. This new me knows how to handle a real heart break. Knows that she's not the not-so-pretty friend, not the perma wing woman anymore. I think that has always been an insecurity of mine. My best friends growing up always had boys all over them and after a while it gets old... I played it off as "I don't have time for anyone else anyways.." "I don't even care" "there's no one here that I would even WANT to date." but after so many years of being wing woman, you start to think that it's because you aren't as pretty, skinny, funny, easy or whatever. I think these four weeks taught me that i'm great. If I have to try to impress you, you aren't worth my time. I came to love myself in a whole new light and I'm finally realizing that I don't have to settle for anyone. I'm a catch that is worth fighting for.

 I learned to handle things gracefully upfront and that the crazy is saved for the best friends and mom, to find the good in a shitty situation and what I really want in the man I want to marry. So I can't say that this break up was all bad. 

And it gets better.. 

clarity

everyone always talks about how in the middle of a trial, they sometimes experience a moment of pure clarity and then they just know that everything will be okay. i never really doubted that they did, but i never expected it to happen to me. then it did and it was amazing.

Taylor Richard and I broke up three weeks ago. It was messy, my heart was broken and I had a lot I left unsaid because when I can feel my heart breaking inside of me, I can't really put sentences together. So I wrote. I wrote every last thing I wanted said in hopes that one day he would read it. This Saturday I get a text from him asking to be blocked from my blog. I said no. We tried being friends for the day. It was a lot easier for me than I imagined. He let me know he was sad and lonely and for some odd reason, that made me feel so much better. Knowing that he was having just as hard of a time.. But that's so wrong because if he had been fine, my heart would have been rebroken. It just means I would be putting my self value into how long it takes for him to move on..
I know I'm in the process of moving on right now, and it's incredible. But I would hate for him to think that because I am moving on, it diminishes what we had. No one says it better than 500 days of summer,

We're simply growing into the people we are going to be the rest of our lives and it doesn't make what we shared any less special, incredible or lovable. He will always be my first love and whenever my kids ask about my first love, my mind will jump back to high school Spanish class and the cocky sophomore who stole my heart. 

Taylor and I had a really good talk. It was simple, and straight forward and I had said everything I needed to. I left with nothing but good vibes. When we said "see ya later" for the last time, my heart was just as peace. It was the exact peace I felt when I got my blessing a few weeks earlier. I knew in my gut that for whatever reason Taylor and I aren't ready for each other right now. I didn't feel sad or upset or even angry. I handled it like a grown woman and this is what needs to happen. My moment of pure clarity was incredible. I don't want to get too spiritual or anything, but I feel like it was the spirit telling me this was right, this is what needs to happen for both of us. Heavenly Father is leading me into a direction completely different than I would have ever imagined and I know it's only been three weeks, but I already love it and I can feel myself growing into a completely new person. 

tinder, take dos

Tanner likes to rock climb, hold doors open and served in Argentina. Not Kelsey's mission though. He started talking to me first and was different than anyone I'd talked to. Usually it's something like "Hey" or some cheesy complement about your smile. But he was very straight forward and said something like "You look like a pretty cool girl, what city do you live in?" so we started talking and it was so normal. like not tinder normal. like real life normal so when he asked for my phone number I totally gave it to him.

We started talking and it was good morning and good night texts, and real questions. not like "so..what's up?" Eventually he asked me on a date. Being adventurous and stuff, I said yes! Finally Saturday rolls around and I'm FREAKING out. I'm pretty sure this guy is cute and I had nothing to wear. In the midst of my panic, the boy started talking to me. So now the knot in my belly just doubled. I finally decide on black jeans, rolled up with tan sperrys, a turquoise t shirt and a blue jacket. Totally oops I'm cute. I even painted my nails so it looks like I have my act together. I made Lauren come over because I was freaking out. First dates are awful feeling. And dealing with the boy too made it a little harder. 

Anyways, 6 comes around and he picks me up at Lauren's because I don't want him to know where I live in case he's a crazy weirdo.We do the awkward friend side hug thing and we get in his car. He opens my door and off to noodles we went. He kinda sings softly when he drives and drums along to every beat. He's really nice and we just talk about school. He's starting at UVU this summer and he's thinking going pre-med and an art minor. I tell him my plan to take over the world and he laughs. After dinner I asked where we were going and he wouldn't tell me. The only clue he gave me was "You can see it from here actually" So I'm thinking like the Y or something and I'm really not thrilled. I hate the Y. After a few failed guesses, he said "rock canyon! The plan is to scramble up this cliff and make it to the top for sunset!" We get there and he leads the way and it was so fun. I love climbing but it's a little terrifying at the same time. This guy is like a serious spider monkey and he's been climbing for only two years. I kept up pretty nicely and he even noticed. So that was cool. The view from the top was beautiful. We go there a little sooner than we thought so we just played twenty questions and he died at all the stories I had about me and Britt trying to take on the woods. 

After the sunset we went and played pool at fat cats. I successfully made myself look like a idiot. But I've learned that if you bat your eyelashes and flash your smile enough, it does't matter how bad you are at pool, all is forgiven. I thought that would be the end of the night but he had yet another surprise. We drove up the water tower and he showed me the coolest part of his car. The back seats folded, and he had like lake powell pad that fit perfectly to make it like a baby couch! So we sat back there and the view was ridiculous. I forgot how much I loved being up there. Another cool thing was that his auxiliary cord reached from the front of the car to the very back so we had our playlists going the entire time. This guys taste in music was through the roof. Young the giant, mumford and sons, Frank Sinatra. Yes please. He would just drum the entire time and sing along with the songs. But he would change the lyrics so it was about me. And my heart melted (which is dumb since i bet he sings to all his dates). We listened to SO many songs and it was so funny cause we had a story for like every song. He pulled out all the stops when he was like "I have a classic ready." and it was Lucky by Brittney Spears. Shut the front door right?? So we just cuddled there for a little and then he played "kiss me" by sixpence none the richer, we both were just singing along to it then the last line goes "so kiss me" and it was right before that, he tilted my chin towards him, sang me that part and kissed me. We hung out there trading stories until like 1:30 in the morning and it was so easy. Like i didn't feel like I had to try to impress him or anything.. 

I'm realizing that RM's adjust at all sorts of different rates. Both Collin..Colton...whatever, and Tanner have been home since December and one's creepy and pushy, and the other is a gent. And normal. Note to self* Don't date BYU boys.

G R O W T H

There is something kind of neat you discover about yourself when you are forced into dealing with hardship.

Sixteen year old me ran away when she felt things were getting too serious. She ran away with no real explanation that was owed to someone who treated her wonderfully. 

Eighteen year old me got upset and kissed his best friend. Even though it was a joke of a relationship, no one deserves to have that happen. But at the time, I didn't care. I'm not proud of this, but I was intentionally trying to hurt him because he hurt me first. I wanted to have the last word. 

Twenty year old me understands where he is coming from, confused why he chose to act the way he did, but accepting that things happen for a reason. There's a reason I get to figure myself out right now. I want to take my twenties by the balls and make the most of them. And maybe that means I get to fly solo for a little. Maybe it's time I get to fall in love with myself, power yoga and statistics. The new me really hopes for the best last little bit of senior year for him and as T Swift once said "I hope the sun shines and it's a beautiful day" because sunshine and clear skies mean it's perfect motorcycle weather. There is no part of me that wants to hurt him as bad as he hurt me because there is nothing for me to gain from it. I get nothing except knowing that I am just as immature as I once was. Isn't this whole "growing up" thing about dealing with shitty situations in a new and improved way?

Here's to staying classy, mature, and only letting your mom and best friend see your crazy side. 

H A W A I I

hawaii is simply beautiful. everything from the muggy air to the coast line is marvelous. i plan on returning with someone to cuddle me under the stars and kiss my forehead at the top of Koko head. as you're descending you look out the window and all you see is green. green, a strip of gold and endless miles of blue. that's the moment hawaii stole my heart.

because Hawaii welcomes all

this is at an overlook. the fog made it feel so surreal. on a clear day you can see the entire island.

iced black tea with lily koi jelly. superb. 

the cute coffee shop that Britt works at at the WCC

this is sprunch. half sprite half fruit punch. it's the craze.

 Day one: Britt and Noa picked me up from the airport and it was the craziest thing in the world. I have never been anywhere so humid. It felt like I was swimming just trying to breathe. It rained in honolulu but when we made it to kilua town it was still cloudy but warm. We had lunch at this cute cafe where a girl complemented my slippers, to which i looked at her like she was crazy because I was in my chacos.  not slippers. then I realized that slippers and sandals are the same thing.. woops. then we went to Noa's.. and FHE and then to Auntie Cindy's. Hawaiian mormons are so much nicer. I am a child of God on the ukulele and a bon fire? Yes please.

this was literally outside my window

the jungle was the back yard. literally. 

#selfie

this was the view from the top of the driveway

Our adventure for the day was electric bike riding around Laniki.
shaka brah

                                         

flowers in our hair and bike rides. 

breakfast at cinnamon's. deelish. 

snippets along the way to north shore

passion fruit. they have fresh fruit stands all over the place. it's amazing.

the end of the road leads to this. 

selfies for days

this is hawaii. swimsuits, sandy feet out the window.

best friend & sunset beach. 

sunset beach to end the day was beautiful. 

We did it all on day two. Electric bike riding, three beaches. One of them being SHARKS COVE. Historic north shore, laniki juice, north east shore (BYU-H) and the end of the road. We hit like three beaches and then called it a day.

botanical gardens 

welcome to the most raw place in the world.

light house hike/walk

koko head!

there are "turn back now" signs all up until the actual trail. 

before picture. 

there must have been a lot of effort put into this graffiti since it takes so long to get to the top. 

we did it!

candid. 

on top of hawaii!

Sandy's beach to lay out after hiking all morning

then we went to the WCC to learn about stars. 

then we broke the car after we bought tickets to the PCC the next day.. woops.
this is the longest adventure of the week.

Day three was full of hiking and beaches. When we told locals that we were doing both hikes in the same day, they all thought we were crazy. But the light house one was literally a walk. Koko head was harder but it was so fun! The scariest part was going across the bridge on the way down. Your legs feel all jelly like and you're scared you're going to fall through the planks. Then on our way to dinner we broke the car by hitting a median. So then we had to sleep over at Noa's that night. Britt worked the next day and Noa's mom let her take the car to work while me and Noa ventured off into the ghettos of Hawaii to find four new rims and tires. Aloha spirit at its finest.

PCC show

Day four: While britt was at work, Noa and I went and  found a tire set and then he got to work. After a long day we finally made it to the PCC. we were super late so we only got to go to two villages and then we had spaghetti for dinner.. so that was a little lame. But Ha (that was the name of the actual show) was really good! So that made up for our $60.00 spaghetti. The car was still rattling too much so we took it back to Noa's to see what was going on. We ended up staying the night there anyways. 

nutella crepes for breakfast!

Pie day was ruined. But that's a story for another day.

beach bumming 

Day five: After all the commotion that had occurred, we decided that we needed some salt water therapy. we woke up, got food, then we had  ourselves a Maui beach babe day. We had dinner that night with one of her friends. We had true Hawaiian food. It was good but looked a lot different than I was used to. Then we got cocoa puffs because it's almost impossible to be sad when you're eating those.  

Day six: It was a little hard to be as carefree my last day there. But real life is everywhere, it doesn't matter if you're in Hawaii or Utah, it will catch up to you and bite you in the ass hard. We woke up and tried to see the sun rise but it was raining so we went back to bed. When we woke up, we went to the swamp meet and I finally got me a pair of Hawaii sandals! we walked the entire thing then went to Thai for lunch and it was delicious. Then we went to some little strip mall with the most amazing book store I've ever seen. It was literally covered from wall to floor in books! Used books!! There were stacks all over and it was just beautiful. There is something so healing about books. We decided that we were going to walk the strip in Waikiki that night but it was so windy we decided to stay home. So we red boxed movies, got dressed up, picked up a pizza and had girls night and started to pack up because my flight was Sunday morning. 

Day seven: We woke up, went to the airport and off I went. The airport people are a lot nicer in Hawaii than they were in Utah. I got boarded without a problem and met a girl on my row. The kid sitting next to me was a little monster and his parents didn't say a thing. He was kicking and being annoying all six hours. When I landed in LAX, I called my mom because I wanted to talk to her. She was really one of my rocks when this all happened. But that too is another post all together. My mom really is wonderful though. I had a three hour lay over in LA, I was seriously DYING to come home at that point. Finally 7 had rolled around and I was headed home. To my own bed, my own house, and my momma.. Both my parents and my sister were at the airport when I got there and I just started bawling when I hugged my mom. That was when I knew I was safe, home, and that I would really be okay.

All in all, my trip was so  much fun. I loved Hawaii and it really taught me a lot about myself. Can't wait for my next adventure.