the days leading up to the 5th of March has been somewhat less than ideal. it was a lot of bickering about a bullet bike. should he get it or not. finally i came to the conclusion that it really was his money and his decision if he wanted to spend all he had saved on a bike that would end up with him smeared across the road. again. i let him know i supported and loved him with any decision he decided to go forward with. this revelation came around 4am so i didn't expect to hear anything about it until the following morning. boy, was i in for quite the shocker.
he didn't mention anything about my heartfelt message instead he shared an idea and it went something like this.
"So, I love you. And I love spending time with you, but I'm wondering if i should focus more on my friends at school cause it's prolly the last three months I'll spend with them?"
my mind automatically jumps to he's breaking up with me because he wants to spend time with his friends? what the hell? so naturally I called my best friend bawling and we had a heart to heart. from what I remember our conversation got nowhere. we were broken up basically but we were going to make it official in person because after two years I at least deserve that. needless to say I was an emotional mess. I made it to my stats class and then I sat down in American Heritage for about a minute when I felt my face getting hot, my breathing getting short and then the water works. I ran out of class and went to my old taekwondo studio. I had a really good talk with Tara and she convinced me to get a priesthood blessing. At that point, i felt so bad that I was willing to try anything so I agreed. when I got to work I realized i forgot my badge and had to run up to HR to get a new one which was horrid because all of taylor's neighborhood works in HR. so off I went and when I was introduced as "Taylor's Girlfriend" I died, and when someone asked me how long we'd been dating. I cried. for about .05 seconds but it was enough that Taylor's mom got word of it and she was on a trip to Arizona. the irony of all ironies, I had to cater that night. "Here let me serve you ice cream. All night. Because you are in love and the person I love just broke up with me because his friends are more important than I am. Chocolate or vanilla?" finally that night ended and my lovely boss sent me home with a gallon of chocolate ice cream and countless hugs throughout the night.
the next day I woke up at 7 am, made it to Tara's house and Ron, my old sparring coach gave me the sweetest blessing. I had such a sense of peace was over me that I knew I was going to make it out alive. We agreed that he was supposed to come over after school to pick up all his stuff. i went to work and almost cried in my pod. luckily, my work best friend gave me a pep talk and I was ready. I drove to my house with my game face on and ready to get this over with. I get everything in a box and when he gets here I open the door and him his box and get my sunglasses. then he doesn't say anything and just looks at me. I ask "what?" and he goes "it wasn't supposed to be this hard.." and i crumbled and he held me. and we decided we weren't breaking up.
on saturday, we went up to salt lake to look at a bike and on the ride home he yelled at me because I yelled while he was driving. then he took himself home and was supposed to call me that night but he didn't. he fell asleep. on Sunday he was supposed to come over to help me pack for Hawaii but he was too busy so I dropped off his phone cord, got a hug and a peck goodbye and that was our last kiss.
I left to hawaii knowing something was wrong and when I got there he was short with me, never told me he loved me anymore and then he finally said "I think we need to talk when you get home." and i felt relieved. he realized something was wrong and wanted to fix it. but i still had a knot in my stomach. the next day I asked him where his head was at and he said something along the lines of "I've dated you for almost two of my three years of high school and i feel like i've hurt you too much." I called him and seven minutes later, I was a single woman. I have never felt so broken, so sad or so helpless ever in my life. My first real love just left me and I don't know why.
I sort of understood why, I mean I know first hand that after graduation you lose a lot of friends because it's hard keeping in touch. But it felt like that conversation was "this is why you ruined high school for me. I have two months to make it all up now" what was most frustrating for me was that I was the first thing to get cut out. um hello? if anyone can help you through this, it's me. I did it. with you by my side..
I had a lovely support system when I got home. My mom was my rock, my friends really stepped up and when I finally decided to unfriend him on facebook, twitter, snapchat and insta, i felt good. I was moving on. I didn't want to see any of his "i'm single now" posts.
three weeks later he added me on facebook, then took it back and then I messaged him asking if he meant to do that and he told me he wasn't ready to be my friend yet. it pissed me off. why the hell are you talking to me to tell me that you aren't ready to talk to me?
a week later we started to talk again. he asked to be blocked from my blog. I said no. it was the same night I had my first date with Tanner. I can't remember if it was before or after that, that the boy suggested that we test other relationships to see if this is what's right for us. I remember thinking "what a stupid idea.. no. we are not dragging someone else into our shit because we have no idea what we're doing."
I started to really like Tanner. I mean what are the chances that I get out of a really long relationship and a really sweet guy who likes to do all the things I do literally lands in my lap? He asked me to be his girlfriend before I left to California and I said I would think about it. I was ready to say yes. But for some reason, I decided that stalking the boy would be a good idea.. I found a status about no pretty girl to go on a bike ride with and then he asked another girl. I was fairly pissed off. The back of that bike is my spot...
Then after a long day at disneyland, it's one am and i'm in bed, passed out. I wake up for some odd reason and he's calling me. why is he calling me at one am? I ignored him and then I get this text. I don't know if it's because i'm exhausted or what but i'm not processing..
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