clarity

everyone always talks about how in the middle of a trial, they sometimes experience a moment of pure clarity and then they just know that everything will be okay. i never really doubted that they did, but i never expected it to happen to me. then it did and it was amazing.

Taylor Richard and I broke up three weeks ago. It was messy, my heart was broken and I had a lot I left unsaid because when I can feel my heart breaking inside of me, I can't really put sentences together. So I wrote. I wrote every last thing I wanted said in hopes that one day he would read it. This Saturday I get a text from him asking to be blocked from my blog. I said no. We tried being friends for the day. It was a lot easier for me than I imagined. He let me know he was sad and lonely and for some odd reason, that made me feel so much better. Knowing that he was having just as hard of a time.. But that's so wrong because if he had been fine, my heart would have been rebroken. It just means I would be putting my self value into how long it takes for him to move on..
I know I'm in the process of moving on right now, and it's incredible. But I would hate for him to think that because I am moving on, it diminishes what we had. No one says it better than 500 days of summer,

We're simply growing into the people we are going to be the rest of our lives and it doesn't make what we shared any less special, incredible or lovable. He will always be my first love and whenever my kids ask about my first love, my mind will jump back to high school Spanish class and the cocky sophomore who stole my heart. 

Taylor and I had a really good talk. It was simple, and straight forward and I had said everything I needed to. I left with nothing but good vibes. When we said "see ya later" for the last time, my heart was just as peace. It was the exact peace I felt when I got my blessing a few weeks earlier. I knew in my gut that for whatever reason Taylor and I aren't ready for each other right now. I didn't feel sad or upset or even angry. I handled it like a grown woman and this is what needs to happen. My moment of pure clarity was incredible. I don't want to get too spiritual or anything, but I feel like it was the spirit telling me this was right, this is what needs to happen for both of us. Heavenly Father is leading me into a direction completely different than I would have ever imagined and I know it's only been three weeks, but I already love it and I can feel myself growing into a completely new person.