I've been wanting to write this post for a while now. But I didn't think I was ready to face all these emotions. They're not as raw anymore because I survived to the end. I know I can get through awful situations and I know I have a solid group of individuals who love me.
During those 4 weeks I learned a lot about myself.
I learned that I'm a lot stronger than I thought I was. Up until that point, I never imagined that our relationship would come to an end. It just wasn't something that would happen. Not to us. We were the high school sweethearts that would defy all odds and have it all. The nice house with an office, our degrees hanging from the wall, granite counter tops and french doors. I honestly didn't know how I could cope without my other half. I think where this all stemmed from was this relationship being my first love. I didn't know what it was like to want someone to be happy even if it meant without you. That's why I was so willing to let this idea play out. If you think being happy without me is what you want, go ahead. I'll find myself a new happy. So that's what I went looking for.
During that phone call in Hawaii, I was fighting so many emotions. I was heartbroken- the one person I loved was choosing to walk away from me. It was the typical "it's not you, it's me". Angry- he broke up with me on THE PHONE and when I mentioned this he said "well.. you called." Frustrated- I made it through graduation, losing all my friends and finding the ones who are really keepers. I knew the ropes. Why was I the very first thing to get cut out? Understanding- My high school experience differed a lot from his. I was single for the most part and I kissed my fair share of boys (which he promptly reminded me of), I worked myself into awfully sticky situations and often times, bailed myself out. I wasn't ready to be any one person's. I was my own and I loved every minute of it. He was the kid who was always in a relationship. So I guess I understood when he wanted to "hang with his buddies." Confusion- If you weren't sure you wanted to stay, then why the hell did you ask to? Why the hell did you make me feel like we could work through this if you were planning on ditching me a week later? Love- even though it had been quite some time since he had told me he loved me, or even showed it. I knew it was real when I wanted him to find his happiness. Even if that didn't include me.
Through that call, I kept myself together. And by that I mean that I was able to talk through the tears and I was able to think of what NEEDED to be said, not what I wanted to say.
Once I hung up, I felt hollow for a minute, then I felt myself crumple. The calm before the storm. It was sort of like an outer body experience. I could hear these awful sobs and feel a shortness of breath. It took me a minute to realize they were coming from me. It was the ugly cry where you get snot in your hair and you're fighting to breathe. Once you inhale instead of calming yourself down, you just go into another fit and your body is just shaking. No matter how many times you try to pull yourself together, you just can't.
As time went on, I cried. A lot. On my way home, I cried in LAX when I talked to my mom. I cried when she picked me up from the airport, and when he dropped off Britt's present, I was livid. It was a angry cry. A "what the fuck makes you think you are welcome anywhere near my house?". My mom told me it'd be easier to get angry. But being angry is so exhausting and he wasn't worth it anymore. He didn't want me so why should I exert any energy in him anymore? I just wanted to be sad. So I was.
Britt pulled my cards one day and they were all sort of the same thing. One was a tunnel with a light at the end, support, and two freedoms. I felt like it was the universe telling me that there is light at the end of the tunnel and that I was going to make it. With so many upcoming changes in the near future, the others just told me that whatever I decided to do, I would have the support I required. I was being told time and time again that I was going to be okay. That I was going to come out of this so much stronger than ever before.
Four weeks later, I realized I did. This new me knows how to handle a real heart break. Knows that she's not the not-so-pretty friend, not the perma wing woman anymore. I think that has always been an insecurity of mine. My best friends growing up always had boys all over them and after a while it gets old... I played it off as "I don't have time for anyone else anyways.." "I don't even care" "there's no one here that I would even WANT to date." but after so many years of being wing woman, you start to think that it's because you aren't as pretty, skinny, funny, easy or whatever. I think these four weeks taught me that i'm great. If I have to try to impress you, you aren't worth my time. I came to love myself in a whole new light and I'm finally realizing that I don't have to settle for anyone. I'm a catch that is worth fighting for.
I learned to handle things gracefully upfront and that the crazy is saved for the best friends and mom, to find the good in a shitty situation and what I really want in the man I want to marry. So I can't say that this break up was all bad.
And it gets better..
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