clarity

everyone always talks about how in the middle of a trial, they sometimes experience a moment of pure clarity and then they just know that everything will be okay. i never really doubted that they did, but i never expected it to happen to me. then it did and it was amazing.

Taylor Richard and I broke up three weeks ago. It was messy, my heart was broken and I had a lot I left unsaid because when I can feel my heart breaking inside of me, I can't really put sentences together. So I wrote. I wrote every last thing I wanted said in hopes that one day he would read it. This Saturday I get a text from him asking to be blocked from my blog. I said no. We tried being friends for the day. It was a lot easier for me than I imagined. He let me know he was sad and lonely and for some odd reason, that made me feel so much better. Knowing that he was having just as hard of a time.. But that's so wrong because if he had been fine, my heart would have been rebroken. It just means I would be putting my self value into how long it takes for him to move on..
I know I'm in the process of moving on right now, and it's incredible. But I would hate for him to think that because I am moving on, it diminishes what we had. No one says it better than 500 days of summer,

We're simply growing into the people we are going to be the rest of our lives and it doesn't make what we shared any less special, incredible or lovable. He will always be my first love and whenever my kids ask about my first love, my mind will jump back to high school Spanish class and the cocky sophomore who stole my heart. 

Taylor and I had a really good talk. It was simple, and straight forward and I had said everything I needed to. I left with nothing but good vibes. When we said "see ya later" for the last time, my heart was just as peace. It was the exact peace I felt when I got my blessing a few weeks earlier. I knew in my gut that for whatever reason Taylor and I aren't ready for each other right now. I didn't feel sad or upset or even angry. I handled it like a grown woman and this is what needs to happen. My moment of pure clarity was incredible. I don't want to get too spiritual or anything, but I feel like it was the spirit telling me this was right, this is what needs to happen for both of us. Heavenly Father is leading me into a direction completely different than I would have ever imagined and I know it's only been three weeks, but I already love it and I can feel myself growing into a completely new person. 

birthday nothings

well i have officially been twenty for the past ten days and boy oh boy. 

nothing has changed. i don't think i know how to be twenty quite yet. it all feels the same. 

kind of like when you wake up on your thirteenth birthday and expect to feel different because you are finally a teenager , but you don't because you really aren't. in some ways i feel extremely old. i mean i'm finally out of my teens, high school has been over for almost two years, i'm a sophomore in college, i bought my first car.. those sorts of things. but in others i feel the exact same. puppies make me squeal, forehead kisses are still my favorite, i cuddle my mom when i'm sad and juice boxes are still great. i guess my soul will forever be six. 

as for my actual birthday, it was definitely one for the books. 

the boy was leaving on a Mexican vacation on the eighteenth, so they had Christmas on fourteenth and that night we did birthday stuff just so we could fit it all in. 

it started off with me sleeping in if I remember correctly and me making my way to the shower very slowly. i had to be ready by four thirty because there was a furry something waiting for us at the boy's house. 

A PUPPY. 

this is Rosie. some sort of lovely mix that ended up with giant ears. it's safe to say that my heart was stolen by this pup. she played for a little, tried to eat tay's hair and was dropped a few times because Krew was just as excited about Rosie as i was (i knew i liked that kid). after a little i got to puppy-hog and cuddle her to sleep while getting a foot rub. yes, he really is THAT amazing. but then i realized that i don't really know what to do with a puppy.. but it was still the best hour of the night:) 

then we went to costa for dinner before heading off to catching fire!! which is a huge deal because usually we hit up the dollar theater, so when catching fire came out i asked if we could go see it in the real movie theater because i didn't want to wait. of course he said "maybe.." which usually means no if it involves spending more money than really necessary. but off we went!:) when we got there tay realized that he actually had tickets for the day before so we quickly had to go to the guest services desk and ask if we could just switch the date. luckily the woman said it was okay and we got pretty awesome seats! we ended up in the handi-capped seats! the movie itself was SO GOOD! #teampeeta 

i figured my birthday fun day would be over around now, i mean i got a dang PUPPY, but nope. off we went to magleby's for their famous chocolate cake. for me!:)

then! we went to Mimi's cafe for birthday hot chocolate:) 

which was super cute because we did this for my birthday last year too!

aren't we just the cutest?? 

then we ended the night on taylor's couch cuddling after a packed birthday full of a FETCHING PUPPY. 

so that Monday, my actual birthday..

 the weeks leading up to finals are so much more stressful for me than actual finals week so by the time finals actually started, on my birthday, i was burnt out and ready to call it quits and become a stripper. somehow (with the help of my lovely sister and tay) everything got done and i pounded out 3 finals on my birthday. it was sort of like a present from the universe; the light at the end of the tunnel was visible. the end was near. 

i went to work for about half hour before calling it quits for the day. i mean i just took THREE finals and it was my BIRTHDAY. i came home and took a much deserved birthday nap and then my mom woke  me up and asked what i wanted for dinner. i chose smokehouse something.. and we had a great dinner then tay came over again! but this time be brought presents! he came over and we ate cake...

and he gave me presents! 

i got a pair of cool shoes, a GIANT flannel that smells like him:), a phone case and GIANT candy canes!

then i just curled up next to this hunk after a long day and we called it good. 

and now i'm welcoming twenty with open arms. 

my parents gave me an iphone and service for my birthday! it's kinda funny how little things like that can sometimes be the best birthday present ever. it's one less bill i need to pay. and in between work and christmas dinner we decided that we'd go out to dinner this weekend for my birthday:) the celebration is yet on going!