V E N T I L A T I O N

I don't mean to make this a negative space but what better place than here?

Growing up I have always shared a room with my sister. We had a house at one point where my sister and I could have had separate rooms but we never got past the bunk beds stage in life. So we literally have always shared a room. And it was fine. Sure there were fights and messes but at the end of the day, I always got the clean room I was after. 

I've found that as a person, I thrive in a clean environment. It provides me with clarity, peace of mind and it's just so much more enjoyable when I can see everything in it's place. When I was looking to move out I figured that sharing a room with someone wouldn't be hard since I had been doing it since I was basically six years old. I knew it was a long shot that I would find someone who loves to clean but I figured that making your bed and taking your hair out of the shower were common courtesies that are allowed to be expected while sharing a room with another adult. 

Turns out this whole experience is quite the eye opener. 

I realized not too long ago that I bullied my sister into cleaning our room and when she wouldn't do it, I would. Because she was my sister and I could move whatever I wanted around because duh. Well you can't really do that to a grown adult. You have to deal with the dirty clothes all over the floor and closet, the mice-sized hair balls in the drain that won't get thrown away by the other person EVER, half the carpet getting vacuumed, tooth paste on the mirror and all sorts of shit. 

Here's to good vibes, positive energy and knowledge coming from this experience. 

As of late

My apartment is dark and empty. It's both a blessing and a curse. Blessing because our utility bill is dirt cheap, curse because it always feels so lonely in here. 

Since no one is ever home, my roommates and I are just kinda here.. Everyone has their own friends.. Haha except for me.. I don't know what I was expecting but it wasn't this. 

I can feel this weird energy entering me.. It's not one I want but I'm so tired all the time I can't find the energy to get out and do something about it.. I'm just so damn tired and sometimes even sad. Today I made dinner and came into bed and for whatever reason, started crying. I miss being happy and don't know how to get back there.. 

Here's to better days.🌻

It's official

Welcome to the U. Where boobies and booties are always wanting to be included. Where there are more brotha's than I have ever seen before. Where my new home is the OSH building (which smells like old and is slightly out dated). Where I kind of miss UVU.. (The ideal situation would be to have UVU's buildings and connecting hallway in salt lake and call it the U)

I'm both excited and terrified of this place. Which is weird since this has literally been the goal for as long as I can remember. I never imagined being anything but excited.I realized it was small at UVU, here I'm virtually invisible. The canpus is twice as big and I might need a map to get around. 

Here's to living the dream (quite literally)! 

Side note: I wore a red and white striped shirt to orientation... And I didn't even realize until I was parking. How embarrassing. 

Not much better than this.

Yesterday was as close to perfect as I've ever been. It wasn't anything really but it was perfect and it ran any doubt out of my heart.I found some recipe on Pinterest and we decided to make it for dinner. We went to my house for the missing ingredients and then walmart. We decided we would try to make chicken tortilla stacks. 

this was the actual thing. 

this was the idea.

Not shabby at all for a first attempt. And it was delish. We watched Pitch Perfect during dinner and afterwards moved to the couch. Somewhere in that I fell asleep in his arms and realized that was perfection. If that's what we did every Friday night, I would be happy simply because it was us. We got into dumb little arguments, slow danced in the kitchen and sipped lemonade. If that's not perfection, I'm not sure what is. Here's to being happy. 

DISNEYLAND

two weeks ago I ran away to Disneyland because it truly is the happiest place on earth. 

breakfast in downtown Disney the day after. 

It was really only a weekend trip. I got there Thursday night, went to Disneyland on Friday, we had a family "reunion" dinner on Saturday but we didn't bring our camera that day and all our phones died, and we came back on Sunday. My mom drove from Anaheim to the Bakersfield exit then I drove from there to Las Vegas then she took over until San George and then I drove all the way home. 

That night was when I decided to call things off with Tanner and I hung out with the boy. It was an interesting night to say the least. After it was all said and done, I was honestly more confused than ever. Here I have the boy I loved for the past two years telling me he wants to come back (again) and I have another really sweet guy who I can see a relationship with. I think I was angry for a minute because I was doing what he wanted me to. He told me to let this go and see where it takes us. I was scared to and when I did some one really nice walked in. I guess when I said "If we are meant to be then our paths will cross again" I didn't expect it to be so soon. I thought the earliest I would see him would be in August. IF that. Not four weeks after and certainly not a  WEEK after I met Tanner. But here I am. Blogging on his macbook on his favorite spot on his couch. Things certainly aren't the same and I don't think they ever will be again. 

Our break really matured our relationship and it's taken it to a whole new level of appreciation for each other. Maybe our new beginning is having a relationship as adults instead of us having to find a middle ground between high school and college. Now we're both equals. 

A Letter.

it may be because I am literally running on empty.

or because it's finals. 

or because i'm due for a lovely visit from dear mother nature. 

but I read this and cried a little.. 

here's the link

Dear Future Love of My Life:
I know. I should have written before. Forgive me. But I got the feeling that you were beginning to think I didn't exist. But I do. And I wanted to let you know that while I might be as elusive as a unicorn grazing in a field of four-leaf clovers, I'm close. I'm around the corner, down the street, on Facebook, in your office, at our local coffee shop, a complete stranger. I made eyes at you once on the subway. I saw you across the room at a party. I swiped you right on Tinder. But it's not our time yet. And I know you're wondering why.
It's really not fair that you've had to wait this long, or go on blind dates, endure bad sex, settle for 'meh' relationships, feel misunderstood, cry from loneliness, wrap your arms around a pillow as you fall asleep at night. I'm so sorry, my love. You deserve an explanation. So, here it goes. It's taken me a long time to even admit this to myself much less to you, so please know that everything I've written here is true.
The reasons we haven't met yet, in no particular order:
1. I haven't thrown out the list of things I think you should be.
2. I'm with the wrong person right now.
3. I'm not ready to be loved unconditionally.
4. Since my life isn't together, I think you'll reject me.
5. I still believe that drama is a show of love.
6. I've been intentionally keeping my head too busy to think with my heart.
7. I need to date more to understand what I do and don't like.
8. I won't be able to appreciate you until life has kicked my ass.
9. I'm too focused on my own needs.
10. I don't know how to create the feeling of home that lives in my heart.
Clearly, I'm not my best self yet. Or even myself -- I'm still figuring out who that is. I'm pretty sure even if we did meet, you wouldn't like me all that much right now. It's entirely possible that we did hit it off once, and I left without getting your information; or maybe I did get your number and never called because of any one of the above reasons.
Be patient with me, darling heart. Know that I'm working my way toward you. So don't spend any more time thinking about where I am or am not. Just keep making your life exciting and full, so when we do finally come together, we can bring each other joy, because we are already happy.
I know it's taking longer than you'd like. It's a hell of a lot slower than I could have ever imagined. But I'm here. This is me talking to you. And I'm not going anywhere.
Don't give up on me.
Yours, in perpetuity,
The Love You Haven't Met Yet

two posts because I can.

...

tell me your secrets

ask me your questions 

lets go back to the start 

...

...

...

plates & crabs

take a plate. 

now drop it. 

what happens?

say "sorry"

did it fix the plate?

...

have you ever noticed when crabs are in a bucket there's always a smart one who works its way on top and tries to get out. but there's always a brat crab who pulls them back down because if brat crab can't get out no one can. 

...

I like to think of relationships as plates and crabs. Maybe it's because some part of my soul is meant to be on the East Coast going to lobster bakes every weekend or something. But I think that relationships are much like plates. Painted plates really. Every experience is something a new stroke of paint on there. Once you break the other person's trust, you can decide if you want to spend the time and effort to glue together all the shards you now have. Knowing that you might end up bleeding in the process. Because just saying "I'm sorry" doesn't fix anything I've learned. It's only a band-aid to cover up a problem you both are hoping just goes away. 

I can count on one hand how many boys I've said the "L" word to. It's a big deal to me and not something to be taken lightly. If I love you, I'm willing to let you see me cry, to hold me when I'm upset and let you into the deepest darkest corners of myself. So when my heart is broken, it's really hard for me to let the same person back in. I mean why would I? You know exactly how and where to kick me to hurt me the most. What's even worse is when you do take those jabs to purposely hurt me.

Break ups are like crabs. At the end of a broken relationship you have two options. Sit and wallow for months and months or clean up your face and find yourself a new happy. I think in most cases the break up-er is usually the first one to move on, and the break up-ee is the one trying to get them back. At least that's what I've noticed in my personal experience. But this time it was the exact opposite. I wasn't going to sit around being the "best friend in the friend zone" I was going to find my new happy. And I think I did, I found someone who I could have quite possibly been happy with. But I didn't choose him. 

I chose the one person who broke me, fought dirty, made me cry on PI day in HAWAII on SPRING BREAK.

I chose this. 

our kids will obviously have Asian eyes..

Here's to seeing where this wild ride takes us. 

Emotionally Processing.

I've been wanting to write this post for a while now. But I didn't think I was ready to face all these emotions. They're not as raw anymore because I survived to the end. I know I can get through awful situations and I know I have a solid group of individuals who love me. 

During those 4 weeks I learned a lot about myself. 

I learned that I'm a lot stronger than I thought I was. Up until that point, I never imagined that our relationship would come to an end. It just wasn't something that would happen. Not to us. We were the high school sweethearts that would defy all odds and have it all. The nice house with an office, our degrees hanging from the wall, granite counter tops and french doors. I honestly didn't know how I could cope without my other half. I think where this all stemmed from was this relationship being my first love. I didn't know what it was like to want someone to be happy even if it meant without you. That's why I was so willing to let this idea play out. If you think being happy without me is what you want, go ahead. I'll find myself a new happy. So that's what I went looking for. 

During that phone call in Hawaii, I was fighting so many emotions. I was heartbroken- the one person I loved was choosing to walk away from me. It was the typical "it's not you, it's me". Angry- he broke up with me on THE PHONE and when I mentioned this he said "well.. you called." Frustrated- I made it through graduation, losing all my friends and finding the ones who are really keepers. I knew the ropes. Why was I the very first thing to get cut out? Understanding- My high school experience differed a lot from his. I was single for the most part and I kissed my fair share of boys (which he promptly reminded me of), I worked myself into awfully sticky situations and often times, bailed myself out. I wasn't ready to be any one person's. I was my own and I loved every minute of it. He was the kid who was always in a relationship. So I guess I understood when he wanted to "hang with his buddies." Confusion- If you weren't sure you wanted to stay, then why the hell did you ask to? Why the hell did you make me feel like we could work through this if you were planning on ditching me a week later? Love- even though it had been quite some time since he had told me he loved me, or even showed it. I knew it was real when I wanted him to find his happiness. Even if that didn't include me.

Through that call, I kept myself together. And by that I mean that I was able to talk through the tears and I was able to think of what NEEDED to be said, not what I wanted to say. 

Once I hung up, I felt hollow for a minute, then I felt myself crumple. The calm before the storm. It was sort of like an outer body experience. I could hear these awful sobs and feel a shortness of breath. It took me a minute to realize they were coming from me. It was the ugly cry where you get snot in your hair and you're fighting to breathe. Once you inhale instead of calming yourself down, you just go into another fit and your body is just shaking. No matter how many times you try to pull yourself together, you just can't. 

As time went on, I cried. A lot. On my way home, I cried in LAX when I talked to my mom. I cried when she picked me up from the airport, and when he dropped off Britt's present, I was livid. It was a angry cry. A "what the fuck makes you think you are welcome anywhere near my house?". My mom told me it'd be easier to get angry. But being angry is so exhausting and he wasn't worth it anymore. He didn't want me so why should I exert any energy in him anymore? I just wanted to be sad. So I was. 

Britt pulled my cards one day and they were all sort of the same thing. One was a tunnel with a light at the end, support, and two freedoms. I felt like it was the universe telling me that there is light at the end of the tunnel and that I was going to make it. With so many upcoming changes in the near future, the others just told me that whatever I decided to do, I would have the support I required. I was being told time and time again that I was going to be okay. That I was going to come out of this so much stronger than ever before. 

Four weeks later, I realized I did. This new me knows how to handle a real heart break. Knows that she's not the not-so-pretty friend, not the perma wing woman anymore. I think that has always been an insecurity of mine. My best friends growing up always had boys all over them and after a while it gets old... I played it off as "I don't have time for anyone else anyways.." "I don't even care" "there's no one here that I would even WANT to date." but after so many years of being wing woman, you start to think that it's because you aren't as pretty, skinny, funny, easy or whatever. I think these four weeks taught me that i'm great. If I have to try to impress you, you aren't worth my time. I came to love myself in a whole new light and I'm finally realizing that I don't have to settle for anyone. I'm a catch that is worth fighting for.

 I learned to handle things gracefully upfront and that the crazy is saved for the best friends and mom, to find the good in a shitty situation and what I really want in the man I want to marry. So I can't say that this break up was all bad. 

And it gets better.. 

March 5, 2014

***** the following events are from my point of view. this is strictly my side of the story and the boy's side can be read here.*****

the days leading up to the 5th of March has been somewhat less than ideal. it was a lot of bickering about a bullet bike. should he get it or not. finally i came to the conclusion that it really was his money and his decision if he wanted to spend all he had saved on a bike that would end up with him smeared across the road. again. i let him know i supported and loved him with any decision he decided to go forward with. this revelation came around 4am so i didn't expect to hear anything about it until the following morning. boy, was i in for quite the shocker. 

he didn't mention anything about my heartfelt message instead he shared an idea and it went something like this. 

"So, I love you. And I love spending time with you, but I'm wondering if i should focus more on my friends at school cause it's prolly the last three months I'll spend with them?" 

my mind automatically jumps to he's breaking up with me because he wants to spend time with his friends? what the hell? so naturally I called my best friend bawling and we had a heart to heart. from what I remember our conversation got nowhere. we were broken up basically but we were going to make it official in person because after two years I at least deserve that. needless to say I was an emotional mess. I made it to my stats class and then I sat down in American Heritage for about a minute when I felt my face getting hot, my breathing getting short and then the water works. I ran out of class and went to my old taekwondo studio. I had a really good talk with Tara and she convinced me to get a priesthood blessing. At that point, i felt so bad that I was willing to try anything so I agreed. when I got to work I realized i forgot my badge and had to run up to HR to get a new one which was horrid because all of taylor's neighborhood works in HR. so off I went and when I was introduced as "Taylor's Girlfriend" I died, and when someone asked me how long we'd been dating. I cried. for about .05 seconds but it was enough that Taylor's mom got word of it and she was on a trip to Arizona. the irony of all ironies, I had to cater that night. "Here let me serve you ice cream. All night. Because you are in love and the person I love just broke up with me because his friends are more important than I am. Chocolate or vanilla?" finally that night ended and my lovely boss sent me home with a gallon of chocolate ice cream and countless hugs throughout the night. 

the next day I woke up at 7 am, made it to Tara's house and Ron, my old sparring coach gave me the sweetest blessing. I had such a sense of peace was over me that I knew I was going to make it out alive. We agreed that he was supposed to come over after school to pick up all his stuff. i went to work and almost cried in my pod. luckily, my work best friend gave me a pep talk and I was ready. I drove to my house with my game face on and ready to get this over with. I get everything in a box and when he gets here I open the door and him his box and get my sunglasses. then he doesn't say anything and just looks at me. I ask "what?" and he goes "it wasn't supposed to be this hard.." and i crumbled and he held me. and we decided we weren't breaking up.  

on saturday, we went up to salt lake to look at a bike and on the ride home he yelled at me because I yelled while he was driving. then he took himself home and was supposed to call me that night but he didn't. he fell asleep. on Sunday he was supposed to come over to help me pack for Hawaii but he was too busy so I dropped off his phone cord, got a hug and a peck goodbye and that was our last kiss. 

I left to hawaii knowing something was wrong and when I got there he was short with me, never told me he loved me anymore and then he finally said "I think we need to talk when you get home." and i felt relieved. he realized something was wrong and wanted to fix it. but i still had a knot in my stomach. the next day I asked him where his head was at and he said something along the lines of "I've dated you for almost two of my three years of high school and i feel like i've hurt you too much." I called him and seven minutes later, I was a single woman. I have never felt so broken, so sad or so helpless ever in my life. My first real love just left me and I don't know why. 

 I sort of understood why, I mean I know first hand that after graduation you lose a lot of friends because it's hard keeping in touch. But it felt like that conversation was "this is why you ruined high school for me. I have two months to make it all up now" what was most frustrating for me was that I was the first thing to get cut out. um hello? if anyone can help you through this, it's me. I did it. with you by my side.. 

I had a lovely support system when I got home. My mom was my rock, my friends really stepped up and when I finally decided to unfriend him on facebook, twitter, snapchat and insta, i felt good. I was moving on.  I didn't want to see any of his "i'm single now" posts. 

three weeks later he added me on facebook, then took it back and then I messaged him asking if he meant to do that and he told me he wasn't ready to be my friend yet. it pissed me off. why the hell are you talking to me to tell me that you aren't ready to talk to me? 

a week later we started to talk again. he asked to be blocked from my blog. I said no. it was the same night I had my first date with Tanner. I can't remember if it was before or after that, that the boy suggested that we test other relationships to see if this is what's right for us. I remember thinking "what a stupid idea.. no. we are not dragging someone else into our shit because we have no idea what we're doing." 

I started to really like Tanner. I mean what are the chances that I get out of a really long relationship and a really sweet guy who likes to do all the things I do literally lands in my lap? He asked me to be his girlfriend before I left to California and I said I would think about it. I was ready to say yes. But for some reason, I decided that stalking the boy would be a good idea.. I found a status about no pretty girl to go on a bike ride with and then he asked another girl. I was fairly pissed off. The back of that bike is my spot...

Then after a long day at disneyland, it's one am and i'm in bed, passed out. I wake up for some odd reason and he's calling me. why is he calling me at one am? I ignored him and then I get this text. I don't know if it's because i'm exhausted or what but i'm not processing.. 

So this boy..

This boy's name is Tanner. He's really sweet, kisses the back of my hand and dips me when he kisses me. 

We first met last Saturday and that was the previous post, he asked me to go over the next day after conference to watch a movie. One turned to two and after a back rub I fell asleep half way through Spider-Man 2. 

Monday we just talked all day.

The first thing he said to me on Tuesday was "wanna go to lunch?" So off to waffle love we went that day. Afterwards, I took him to my favorite park and we just sat on a bench and talked until he had to work. 

Wednesday he told me he wanted to see me before I left to California. Which was strange because I just saw him, but it was flattering. He lives in mapleton so the fact that he's willing to come so far out of his way to see me is sweet. We agreed on a late movie after work. Off to capitan America we went! It was a really good movie and he asked me to go camping with him next weekend up in payson lakes. I said yes because why not? Then he was being weird and started asking random questions. 

T: "I have a question for you.." 

A: "yes?"

T: "uhh... Do you like my new pants?"

A: "oh new jeans are always great!" 

T: "what about my cologne? Which one do you like more?" 

A: "uh both! What's your actual question..?" 

T: "you tell me my question."

A: "I don't know your question. But I know your jeans isn't what you really want to talk about." 

T: " will you be my girlfriend..?"

He did the whole works. Flowers, a movie and was just the sweetest. But something wasn't quite right. So I told him I'd think about it.. 

And it wasn't until last night that I realized why I couldn't say yes..

clarity

everyone always talks about how in the middle of a trial, they sometimes experience a moment of pure clarity and then they just know that everything will be okay. i never really doubted that they did, but i never expected it to happen to me. then it did and it was amazing.

Taylor Richard and I broke up three weeks ago. It was messy, my heart was broken and I had a lot I left unsaid because when I can feel my heart breaking inside of me, I can't really put sentences together. So I wrote. I wrote every last thing I wanted said in hopes that one day he would read it. This Saturday I get a text from him asking to be blocked from my blog. I said no. We tried being friends for the day. It was a lot easier for me than I imagined. He let me know he was sad and lonely and for some odd reason, that made me feel so much better. Knowing that he was having just as hard of a time.. But that's so wrong because if he had been fine, my heart would have been rebroken. It just means I would be putting my self value into how long it takes for him to move on..
I know I'm in the process of moving on right now, and it's incredible. But I would hate for him to think that because I am moving on, it diminishes what we had. No one says it better than 500 days of summer,

We're simply growing into the people we are going to be the rest of our lives and it doesn't make what we shared any less special, incredible or lovable. He will always be my first love and whenever my kids ask about my first love, my mind will jump back to high school Spanish class and the cocky sophomore who stole my heart. 

Taylor and I had a really good talk. It was simple, and straight forward and I had said everything I needed to. I left with nothing but good vibes. When we said "see ya later" for the last time, my heart was just as peace. It was the exact peace I felt when I got my blessing a few weeks earlier. I knew in my gut that for whatever reason Taylor and I aren't ready for each other right now. I didn't feel sad or upset or even angry. I handled it like a grown woman and this is what needs to happen. My moment of pure clarity was incredible. I don't want to get too spiritual or anything, but I feel like it was the spirit telling me this was right, this is what needs to happen for both of us. Heavenly Father is leading me into a direction completely different than I would have ever imagined and I know it's only been three weeks, but I already love it and I can feel myself growing into a completely new person. 

tinder, take dos

Tanner likes to rock climb, hold doors open and served in Argentina. Not Kelsey's mission though. He started talking to me first and was different than anyone I'd talked to. Usually it's something like "Hey" or some cheesy complement about your smile. But he was very straight forward and said something like "You look like a pretty cool girl, what city do you live in?" so we started talking and it was so normal. like not tinder normal. like real life normal so when he asked for my phone number I totally gave it to him.

We started talking and it was good morning and good night texts, and real questions. not like "so..what's up?" Eventually he asked me on a date. Being adventurous and stuff, I said yes! Finally Saturday rolls around and I'm FREAKING out. I'm pretty sure this guy is cute and I had nothing to wear. In the midst of my panic, the boy started talking to me. So now the knot in my belly just doubled. I finally decide on black jeans, rolled up with tan sperrys, a turquoise t shirt and a blue jacket. Totally oops I'm cute. I even painted my nails so it looks like I have my act together. I made Lauren come over because I was freaking out. First dates are awful feeling. And dealing with the boy too made it a little harder. 

Anyways, 6 comes around and he picks me up at Lauren's because I don't want him to know where I live in case he's a crazy weirdo.We do the awkward friend side hug thing and we get in his car. He opens my door and off to noodles we went. He kinda sings softly when he drives and drums along to every beat. He's really nice and we just talk about school. He's starting at UVU this summer and he's thinking going pre-med and an art minor. I tell him my plan to take over the world and he laughs. After dinner I asked where we were going and he wouldn't tell me. The only clue he gave me was "You can see it from here actually" So I'm thinking like the Y or something and I'm really not thrilled. I hate the Y. After a few failed guesses, he said "rock canyon! The plan is to scramble up this cliff and make it to the top for sunset!" We get there and he leads the way and it was so fun. I love climbing but it's a little terrifying at the same time. This guy is like a serious spider monkey and he's been climbing for only two years. I kept up pretty nicely and he even noticed. So that was cool. The view from the top was beautiful. We go there a little sooner than we thought so we just played twenty questions and he died at all the stories I had about me and Britt trying to take on the woods. 

After the sunset we went and played pool at fat cats. I successfully made myself look like a idiot. But I've learned that if you bat your eyelashes and flash your smile enough, it does't matter how bad you are at pool, all is forgiven. I thought that would be the end of the night but he had yet another surprise. We drove up the water tower and he showed me the coolest part of his car. The back seats folded, and he had like lake powell pad that fit perfectly to make it like a baby couch! So we sat back there and the view was ridiculous. I forgot how much I loved being up there. Another cool thing was that his auxiliary cord reached from the front of the car to the very back so we had our playlists going the entire time. This guys taste in music was through the roof. Young the giant, mumford and sons, Frank Sinatra. Yes please. He would just drum the entire time and sing along with the songs. But he would change the lyrics so it was about me. And my heart melted (which is dumb since i bet he sings to all his dates). We listened to SO many songs and it was so funny cause we had a story for like every song. He pulled out all the stops when he was like "I have a classic ready." and it was Lucky by Brittney Spears. Shut the front door right?? So we just cuddled there for a little and then he played "kiss me" by sixpence none the richer, we both were just singing along to it then the last line goes "so kiss me" and it was right before that, he tilted my chin towards him, sang me that part and kissed me. We hung out there trading stories until like 1:30 in the morning and it was so easy. Like i didn't feel like I had to try to impress him or anything.. 

I'm realizing that RM's adjust at all sorts of different rates. Both Collin..Colton...whatever, and Tanner have been home since December and one's creepy and pushy, and the other is a gent. And normal. Note to self* Don't date BYU boys.

tinder, take one

Tinder became the hot new thing while I was in a relationship. I knew it was there but out of respect to him, I didn't get one. Until I realized he already got one.. and had been matching with other girls. So I got my own tinder. A few swipes to the right later and I met some really nice guys. Of course I never hung out with any of them, it was just fun and something the boy and I laughed about.

Fast forward to this last Tuesday, I was at a friends house and her friend came over and was talking about all the tinder woes he was dealing with. I thought to myself. "Why not?" So I redownloaded it and got to swiping. This guy named Collin (I think..) started talking to me. He seemed nice but sorta pushy. Like "lets hang out tonight from 7-10!" I mean I got off work at 7.. and I didn't really have much to do anyways, and I'm trying to be adventurous here..so why not right? I mean, I do what I want! So seven rolled around and he was really weird about it. Like "what do you wanna do?? we can watch a movie here in my apartment..I have the place to myself! but I don't have a car so..." And I'm thinking "oh my god..you asked me to hang out. I guess I can drive.." I went to Lauren's apartment and just hung out and told her all my tindering stories and we had a solid laugh. 

So I drive to this apartment complex and this not too skinny but skinnier than my usual liking guy comes out. He's not bad looking but something about him is just goofy looking. But he seems harmless enough. We went to sodalicious (which is delicious by the way) and then back to his apartment. I sit on one end of the couch and he comes and sits next to me. Like there's still room between us and I'm thinking "Thank god...please don't touch me." Then he scoots over so he's like practically SITTING ON MY LAP. I tried to get my drink and he wrapped his arms around me and at first started to scratch my back. I'm all for back scratches. Then we started talking about school and his mission. Which is kinda weird for me since I've never really had anyone be really interested in my major, who gets me because they're in the exact same position. This college boy thing is strange.. So he's being awkward and then he starts playing with the tear in my leggings. Um HELLO?? you're going to make it bigger. Then he starts rubbing his hand up and down my leg and he's trying to hold my hand at the same time. Then he takes my rings off and is just being AWKWARD. This entire time I'm just sitting here trying not to laugh because he's honestly trying to be....friendly. 

It turns out that Colton* served in the same exact mission as Kelsey did. Like he was there when she showed up to the office when she first got there. Small world eh?

Eventually he starts asking about my tinder experience. So i just told him that I recently got it because I'm a new found single woman. So then he was like "Oh my gosh! Tell me everything!!" I gave him like a 30-second condensed version of it because A. You don't really care. B. I don't know you. and C. No. 

Then his flirt game was amped up and he was pulling out all the stops. It was kind of hilarious. He literally got so close to kissing me so many times and I could see him from the corner of my eye so I would just get really into the T.V. hahahahah. Then he decided that he was going for it. Brushed my hair out of my face and said "Maybe this will help you forget about your boyfriend." Then he solidified everything I thought I knew about BYU RM's. They're horny, cheesey, awful kissers. 

I finally understand the beauty of NCMO's. And I can't say that it was awful. (the kissing was, but the idea was great.) here's to giving this tinder thing a shot. 

H I L A R Y C L I N T O N

Machiavelli was the one who started the idea of REALISM in politics. This is how things are, and this is how we get things done. The means are sometimes worth the ends and morals have no room in politics. If you want to get your agenda done, you have to be willing to do what's required. 

Up until him the main idea floating around was IDEALISM. Plato and Aristotle introduced it as "this is how things and people OUGHT to be." It was much more optimistic. 

In modern day politics, being considered Machiavellian is seen as manipulative and powerful. It's something that no one really knows what to do with and when they're faced with it people tend to panic. It's not a new idea but few have been able to carry it out.

Which brings me to the lovely power couple. 

The Clintons. 

He was president and she was MUCH more than just a first lady who traveled to China and tried to fight childhood obesity (sorry Michelle). Hillary wanted a political career and refused to stand in the shadows of Bill. She was a U.S. senator who served for two years then she ran for the democratic nomination who later became the secretary of state. Up until that point she was a Machiavellian though and through. The moment she started to think in an idealistic mindset was when then-senator from Illinois took the nomination from her and he is now our 44th president. 

Being idealistic cost Hilary the nomination and ultimately the presidency.  

I am Hilary Clinton in a sense. In all my previous relationships I have always been pretty straight forward and when I wanted out, I left. I never really let anyone past my walls and I think that's why it was so easy to pick up and leave when I did. This time it all started off the same. My walls were up and I was sure as hell going to keep them. This was supposed to be a summer fling and there was no reason why it should be anything more than that. I was going to start college in three months and that was that. Before I knew it, those walls I was dead set on keeping up started to fall, and I let them. I consciously chose to let them down and let this  person see all the skeletons I had. He still liked me even after. Even when we had rough spots, I wanted to work it out. I didn't want to walk away. He walked away from me and that's when I knew I was being idealist. 

If Hilary can get her act together and run for the democratic nomination again, so can I. 

G R O W T H

There is something kind of neat you discover about yourself when you are forced into dealing with hardship.

Sixteen year old me ran away when she felt things were getting too serious. She ran away with no real explanation that was owed to someone who treated her wonderfully. 

Eighteen year old me got upset and kissed his best friend. Even though it was a joke of a relationship, no one deserves to have that happen. But at the time, I didn't care. I'm not proud of this, but I was intentionally trying to hurt him because he hurt me first. I wanted to have the last word. 

Twenty year old me understands where he is coming from, confused why he chose to act the way he did, but accepting that things happen for a reason. There's a reason I get to figure myself out right now. I want to take my twenties by the balls and make the most of them. And maybe that means I get to fly solo for a little. Maybe it's time I get to fall in love with myself, power yoga and statistics. The new me really hopes for the best last little bit of senior year for him and as T Swift once said "I hope the sun shines and it's a beautiful day" because sunshine and clear skies mean it's perfect motorcycle weather. There is no part of me that wants to hurt him as bad as he hurt me because there is nothing for me to gain from it. I get nothing except knowing that I am just as immature as I once was. Isn't this whole "growing up" thing about dealing with shitty situations in a new and improved way?

Here's to staying classy, mature, and only letting your mom and best friend see your crazy side. 

H A W A I I

hawaii is simply beautiful. everything from the muggy air to the coast line is marvelous. i plan on returning with someone to cuddle me under the stars and kiss my forehead at the top of Koko head. as you're descending you look out the window and all you see is green. green, a strip of gold and endless miles of blue. that's the moment hawaii stole my heart.

because Hawaii welcomes all

this is at an overlook. the fog made it feel so surreal. on a clear day you can see the entire island.

iced black tea with lily koi jelly. superb. 

the cute coffee shop that Britt works at at the WCC

this is sprunch. half sprite half fruit punch. it's the craze.

 Day one: Britt and Noa picked me up from the airport and it was the craziest thing in the world. I have never been anywhere so humid. It felt like I was swimming just trying to breathe. It rained in honolulu but when we made it to kilua town it was still cloudy but warm. We had lunch at this cute cafe where a girl complemented my slippers, to which i looked at her like she was crazy because I was in my chacos.  not slippers. then I realized that slippers and sandals are the same thing.. woops. then we went to Noa's.. and FHE and then to Auntie Cindy's. Hawaiian mormons are so much nicer. I am a child of God on the ukulele and a bon fire? Yes please.

this was literally outside my window

the jungle was the back yard. literally. 

#selfie

this was the view from the top of the driveway

Our adventure for the day was electric bike riding around Laniki.
shaka brah

                                         

flowers in our hair and bike rides. 

breakfast at cinnamon's. deelish. 

snippets along the way to north shore

passion fruit. they have fresh fruit stands all over the place. it's amazing.

the end of the road leads to this. 

selfies for days

this is hawaii. swimsuits, sandy feet out the window.

best friend & sunset beach. 

sunset beach to end the day was beautiful. 

We did it all on day two. Electric bike riding, three beaches. One of them being SHARKS COVE. Historic north shore, laniki juice, north east shore (BYU-H) and the end of the road. We hit like three beaches and then called it a day.

botanical gardens 

welcome to the most raw place in the world.

light house hike/walk

koko head!

there are "turn back now" signs all up until the actual trail. 

before picture. 

there must have been a lot of effort put into this graffiti since it takes so long to get to the top. 

we did it!

candid. 

on top of hawaii!

Sandy's beach to lay out after hiking all morning

then we went to the WCC to learn about stars. 

then we broke the car after we bought tickets to the PCC the next day.. woops.
this is the longest adventure of the week.

Day three was full of hiking and beaches. When we told locals that we were doing both hikes in the same day, they all thought we were crazy. But the light house one was literally a walk. Koko head was harder but it was so fun! The scariest part was going across the bridge on the way down. Your legs feel all jelly like and you're scared you're going to fall through the planks. Then on our way to dinner we broke the car by hitting a median. So then we had to sleep over at Noa's that night. Britt worked the next day and Noa's mom let her take the car to work while me and Noa ventured off into the ghettos of Hawaii to find four new rims and tires. Aloha spirit at its finest.

PCC show

Day four: While britt was at work, Noa and I went and  found a tire set and then he got to work. After a long day we finally made it to the PCC. we were super late so we only got to go to two villages and then we had spaghetti for dinner.. so that was a little lame. But Ha (that was the name of the actual show) was really good! So that made up for our $60.00 spaghetti. The car was still rattling too much so we took it back to Noa's to see what was going on. We ended up staying the night there anyways. 

nutella crepes for breakfast!

Pie day was ruined. But that's a story for another day.

beach bumming 

Day five: After all the commotion that had occurred, we decided that we needed some salt water therapy. we woke up, got food, then we had  ourselves a Maui beach babe day. We had dinner that night with one of her friends. We had true Hawaiian food. It was good but looked a lot different than I was used to. Then we got cocoa puffs because it's almost impossible to be sad when you're eating those.  

Day six: It was a little hard to be as carefree my last day there. But real life is everywhere, it doesn't matter if you're in Hawaii or Utah, it will catch up to you and bite you in the ass hard. We woke up and tried to see the sun rise but it was raining so we went back to bed. When we woke up, we went to the swamp meet and I finally got me a pair of Hawaii sandals! we walked the entire thing then went to Thai for lunch and it was delicious. Then we went to some little strip mall with the most amazing book store I've ever seen. It was literally covered from wall to floor in books! Used books!! There were stacks all over and it was just beautiful. There is something so healing about books. We decided that we were going to walk the strip in Waikiki that night but it was so windy we decided to stay home. So we red boxed movies, got dressed up, picked up a pizza and had girls night and started to pack up because my flight was Sunday morning. 

Day seven: We woke up, went to the airport and off I went. The airport people are a lot nicer in Hawaii than they were in Utah. I got boarded without a problem and met a girl on my row. The kid sitting next to me was a little monster and his parents didn't say a thing. He was kicking and being annoying all six hours. When I landed in LAX, I called my mom because I wanted to talk to her. She was really one of my rocks when this all happened. But that too is another post all together. My mom really is wonderful though. I had a three hour lay over in LA, I was seriously DYING to come home at that point. Finally 7 had rolled around and I was headed home. To my own bed, my own house, and my momma.. Both my parents and my sister were at the airport when I got there and I just started bawling when I hugged my mom. That was when I knew I was safe, home, and that I would really be okay.

All in all, my trip was so  much fun. I loved Hawaii and it really taught me a lot about myself. Can't wait for my next adventure.