Emotionally Processing.

I've been wanting to write this post for a while now. But I didn't think I was ready to face all these emotions. They're not as raw anymore because I survived to the end. I know I can get through awful situations and I know I have a solid group of individuals who love me. 

During those 4 weeks I learned a lot about myself. 

I learned that I'm a lot stronger than I thought I was. Up until that point, I never imagined that our relationship would come to an end. It just wasn't something that would happen. Not to us. We were the high school sweethearts that would defy all odds and have it all. The nice house with an office, our degrees hanging from the wall, granite counter tops and french doors. I honestly didn't know how I could cope without my other half. I think where this all stemmed from was this relationship being my first love. I didn't know what it was like to want someone to be happy even if it meant without you. That's why I was so willing to let this idea play out. If you think being happy without me is what you want, go ahead. I'll find myself a new happy. So that's what I went looking for. 

During that phone call in Hawaii, I was fighting so many emotions. I was heartbroken- the one person I loved was choosing to walk away from me. It was the typical "it's not you, it's me". Angry- he broke up with me on THE PHONE and when I mentioned this he said "well.. you called." Frustrated- I made it through graduation, losing all my friends and finding the ones who are really keepers. I knew the ropes. Why was I the very first thing to get cut out? Understanding- My high school experience differed a lot from his. I was single for the most part and I kissed my fair share of boys (which he promptly reminded me of), I worked myself into awfully sticky situations and often times, bailed myself out. I wasn't ready to be any one person's. I was my own and I loved every minute of it. He was the kid who was always in a relationship. So I guess I understood when he wanted to "hang with his buddies." Confusion- If you weren't sure you wanted to stay, then why the hell did you ask to? Why the hell did you make me feel like we could work through this if you were planning on ditching me a week later? Love- even though it had been quite some time since he had told me he loved me, or even showed it. I knew it was real when I wanted him to find his happiness. Even if that didn't include me.

Through that call, I kept myself together. And by that I mean that I was able to talk through the tears and I was able to think of what NEEDED to be said, not what I wanted to say. 

Once I hung up, I felt hollow for a minute, then I felt myself crumple. The calm before the storm. It was sort of like an outer body experience. I could hear these awful sobs and feel a shortness of breath. It took me a minute to realize they were coming from me. It was the ugly cry where you get snot in your hair and you're fighting to breathe. Once you inhale instead of calming yourself down, you just go into another fit and your body is just shaking. No matter how many times you try to pull yourself together, you just can't. 

As time went on, I cried. A lot. On my way home, I cried in LAX when I talked to my mom. I cried when she picked me up from the airport, and when he dropped off Britt's present, I was livid. It was a angry cry. A "what the fuck makes you think you are welcome anywhere near my house?". My mom told me it'd be easier to get angry. But being angry is so exhausting and he wasn't worth it anymore. He didn't want me so why should I exert any energy in him anymore? I just wanted to be sad. So I was. 

Britt pulled my cards one day and they were all sort of the same thing. One was a tunnel with a light at the end, support, and two freedoms. I felt like it was the universe telling me that there is light at the end of the tunnel and that I was going to make it. With so many upcoming changes in the near future, the others just told me that whatever I decided to do, I would have the support I required. I was being told time and time again that I was going to be okay. That I was going to come out of this so much stronger than ever before. 

Four weeks later, I realized I did. This new me knows how to handle a real heart break. Knows that she's not the not-so-pretty friend, not the perma wing woman anymore. I think that has always been an insecurity of mine. My best friends growing up always had boys all over them and after a while it gets old... I played it off as "I don't have time for anyone else anyways.." "I don't even care" "there's no one here that I would even WANT to date." but after so many years of being wing woman, you start to think that it's because you aren't as pretty, skinny, funny, easy or whatever. I think these four weeks taught me that i'm great. If I have to try to impress you, you aren't worth my time. I came to love myself in a whole new light and I'm finally realizing that I don't have to settle for anyone. I'm a catch that is worth fighting for.

 I learned to handle things gracefully upfront and that the crazy is saved for the best friends and mom, to find the good in a shitty situation and what I really want in the man I want to marry. So I can't say that this break up was all bad. 

And it gets better.. 

tinder, take dos

Tanner likes to rock climb, hold doors open and served in Argentina. Not Kelsey's mission though. He started talking to me first and was different than anyone I'd talked to. Usually it's something like "Hey" or some cheesy complement about your smile. But he was very straight forward and said something like "You look like a pretty cool girl, what city do you live in?" so we started talking and it was so normal. like not tinder normal. like real life normal so when he asked for my phone number I totally gave it to him.

We started talking and it was good morning and good night texts, and real questions. not like "so..what's up?" Eventually he asked me on a date. Being adventurous and stuff, I said yes! Finally Saturday rolls around and I'm FREAKING out. I'm pretty sure this guy is cute and I had nothing to wear. In the midst of my panic, the boy started talking to me. So now the knot in my belly just doubled. I finally decide on black jeans, rolled up with tan sperrys, a turquoise t shirt and a blue jacket. Totally oops I'm cute. I even painted my nails so it looks like I have my act together. I made Lauren come over because I was freaking out. First dates are awful feeling. And dealing with the boy too made it a little harder. 

Anyways, 6 comes around and he picks me up at Lauren's because I don't want him to know where I live in case he's a crazy weirdo.We do the awkward friend side hug thing and we get in his car. He opens my door and off to noodles we went. He kinda sings softly when he drives and drums along to every beat. He's really nice and we just talk about school. He's starting at UVU this summer and he's thinking going pre-med and an art minor. I tell him my plan to take over the world and he laughs. After dinner I asked where we were going and he wouldn't tell me. The only clue he gave me was "You can see it from here actually" So I'm thinking like the Y or something and I'm really not thrilled. I hate the Y. After a few failed guesses, he said "rock canyon! The plan is to scramble up this cliff and make it to the top for sunset!" We get there and he leads the way and it was so fun. I love climbing but it's a little terrifying at the same time. This guy is like a serious spider monkey and he's been climbing for only two years. I kept up pretty nicely and he even noticed. So that was cool. The view from the top was beautiful. We go there a little sooner than we thought so we just played twenty questions and he died at all the stories I had about me and Britt trying to take on the woods. 

After the sunset we went and played pool at fat cats. I successfully made myself look like a idiot. But I've learned that if you bat your eyelashes and flash your smile enough, it does't matter how bad you are at pool, all is forgiven. I thought that would be the end of the night but he had yet another surprise. We drove up the water tower and he showed me the coolest part of his car. The back seats folded, and he had like lake powell pad that fit perfectly to make it like a baby couch! So we sat back there and the view was ridiculous. I forgot how much I loved being up there. Another cool thing was that his auxiliary cord reached from the front of the car to the very back so we had our playlists going the entire time. This guys taste in music was through the roof. Young the giant, mumford and sons, Frank Sinatra. Yes please. He would just drum the entire time and sing along with the songs. But he would change the lyrics so it was about me. And my heart melted (which is dumb since i bet he sings to all his dates). We listened to SO many songs and it was so funny cause we had a story for like every song. He pulled out all the stops when he was like "I have a classic ready." and it was Lucky by Brittney Spears. Shut the front door right?? So we just cuddled there for a little and then he played "kiss me" by sixpence none the richer, we both were just singing along to it then the last line goes "so kiss me" and it was right before that, he tilted my chin towards him, sang me that part and kissed me. We hung out there trading stories until like 1:30 in the morning and it was so easy. Like i didn't feel like I had to try to impress him or anything.. 

I'm realizing that RM's adjust at all sorts of different rates. Both Collin..Colton...whatever, and Tanner have been home since December and one's creepy and pushy, and the other is a gent. And normal. Note to self* Don't date BYU boys.

G R O W T H

There is something kind of neat you discover about yourself when you are forced into dealing with hardship.

Sixteen year old me ran away when she felt things were getting too serious. She ran away with no real explanation that was owed to someone who treated her wonderfully. 

Eighteen year old me got upset and kissed his best friend. Even though it was a joke of a relationship, no one deserves to have that happen. But at the time, I didn't care. I'm not proud of this, but I was intentionally trying to hurt him because he hurt me first. I wanted to have the last word. 

Twenty year old me understands where he is coming from, confused why he chose to act the way he did, but accepting that things happen for a reason. There's a reason I get to figure myself out right now. I want to take my twenties by the balls and make the most of them. And maybe that means I get to fly solo for a little. Maybe it's time I get to fall in love with myself, power yoga and statistics. The new me really hopes for the best last little bit of senior year for him and as T Swift once said "I hope the sun shines and it's a beautiful day" because sunshine and clear skies mean it's perfect motorcycle weather. There is no part of me that wants to hurt him as bad as he hurt me because there is nothing for me to gain from it. I get nothing except knowing that I am just as immature as I once was. Isn't this whole "growing up" thing about dealing with shitty situations in a new and improved way?

Here's to staying classy, mature, and only letting your mom and best friend see your crazy side. 

this funny little thing called time

it always seems that time flies when you are least wanting it to. 

when you're little and your parents tell you about the Disneyland vacation you're going on that's two months away those seem to be the longest two months of your 7 year old mind. 

but when you have to come home and tell your parents about a disappointing loss against Norway, you're in your driveway in a blink of an eye.

for some reason it seems like this semester is flying by. it's already midterms. that means that this saturday is march, and finals are the last week of April. it's safe to say i'm flipping out. I am so stoked to finally grab life instead of letting life happen to me. but if i'm really so excited for this change, why is time flying by so quickly? i guess it means because everything is going to change. drastically. i'll be in an apartment with my best friend trying to figure out how to survive (two years late. but hey, there is nothing wrong with late bloomers right?) in a whole new city, a whole new school and that honestly terrifies me. my soul just craves for a change but i am so scared of jumping into the deep end and not knowing if my instincts will kick in and i'll learn to swim or if i'll sink to the bottom and float back up when i'm dead. 

i vote all struggling 20-year old's take a trip to Disneyland just to remind ourselves that being twenty and scared is okay. Just like Indiana Jones ride. it'll be fun, right?