Emotionally Processing.

I've been wanting to write this post for a while now. But I didn't think I was ready to face all these emotions. They're not as raw anymore because I survived to the end. I know I can get through awful situations and I know I have a solid group of individuals who love me. 

During those 4 weeks I learned a lot about myself. 

I learned that I'm a lot stronger than I thought I was. Up until that point, I never imagined that our relationship would come to an end. It just wasn't something that would happen. Not to us. We were the high school sweethearts that would defy all odds and have it all. The nice house with an office, our degrees hanging from the wall, granite counter tops and french doors. I honestly didn't know how I could cope without my other half. I think where this all stemmed from was this relationship being my first love. I didn't know what it was like to want someone to be happy even if it meant without you. That's why I was so willing to let this idea play out. If you think being happy without me is what you want, go ahead. I'll find myself a new happy. So that's what I went looking for. 

During that phone call in Hawaii, I was fighting so many emotions. I was heartbroken- the one person I loved was choosing to walk away from me. It was the typical "it's not you, it's me". Angry- he broke up with me on THE PHONE and when I mentioned this he said "well.. you called." Frustrated- I made it through graduation, losing all my friends and finding the ones who are really keepers. I knew the ropes. Why was I the very first thing to get cut out? Understanding- My high school experience differed a lot from his. I was single for the most part and I kissed my fair share of boys (which he promptly reminded me of), I worked myself into awfully sticky situations and often times, bailed myself out. I wasn't ready to be any one person's. I was my own and I loved every minute of it. He was the kid who was always in a relationship. So I guess I understood when he wanted to "hang with his buddies." Confusion- If you weren't sure you wanted to stay, then why the hell did you ask to? Why the hell did you make me feel like we could work through this if you were planning on ditching me a week later? Love- even though it had been quite some time since he had told me he loved me, or even showed it. I knew it was real when I wanted him to find his happiness. Even if that didn't include me.

Through that call, I kept myself together. And by that I mean that I was able to talk through the tears and I was able to think of what NEEDED to be said, not what I wanted to say. 

Once I hung up, I felt hollow for a minute, then I felt myself crumple. The calm before the storm. It was sort of like an outer body experience. I could hear these awful sobs and feel a shortness of breath. It took me a minute to realize they were coming from me. It was the ugly cry where you get snot in your hair and you're fighting to breathe. Once you inhale instead of calming yourself down, you just go into another fit and your body is just shaking. No matter how many times you try to pull yourself together, you just can't. 

As time went on, I cried. A lot. On my way home, I cried in LAX when I talked to my mom. I cried when she picked me up from the airport, and when he dropped off Britt's present, I was livid. It was a angry cry. A "what the fuck makes you think you are welcome anywhere near my house?". My mom told me it'd be easier to get angry. But being angry is so exhausting and he wasn't worth it anymore. He didn't want me so why should I exert any energy in him anymore? I just wanted to be sad. So I was. 

Britt pulled my cards one day and they were all sort of the same thing. One was a tunnel with a light at the end, support, and two freedoms. I felt like it was the universe telling me that there is light at the end of the tunnel and that I was going to make it. With so many upcoming changes in the near future, the others just told me that whatever I decided to do, I would have the support I required. I was being told time and time again that I was going to be okay. That I was going to come out of this so much stronger than ever before. 

Four weeks later, I realized I did. This new me knows how to handle a real heart break. Knows that she's not the not-so-pretty friend, not the perma wing woman anymore. I think that has always been an insecurity of mine. My best friends growing up always had boys all over them and after a while it gets old... I played it off as "I don't have time for anyone else anyways.." "I don't even care" "there's no one here that I would even WANT to date." but after so many years of being wing woman, you start to think that it's because you aren't as pretty, skinny, funny, easy or whatever. I think these four weeks taught me that i'm great. If I have to try to impress you, you aren't worth my time. I came to love myself in a whole new light and I'm finally realizing that I don't have to settle for anyone. I'm a catch that is worth fighting for.

 I learned to handle things gracefully upfront and that the crazy is saved for the best friends and mom, to find the good in a shitty situation and what I really want in the man I want to marry. So I can't say that this break up was all bad. 

And it gets better.. 

tinder, take one

Tinder became the hot new thing while I was in a relationship. I knew it was there but out of respect to him, I didn't get one. Until I realized he already got one.. and had been matching with other girls. So I got my own tinder. A few swipes to the right later and I met some really nice guys. Of course I never hung out with any of them, it was just fun and something the boy and I laughed about.

Fast forward to this last Tuesday, I was at a friends house and her friend came over and was talking about all the tinder woes he was dealing with. I thought to myself. "Why not?" So I redownloaded it and got to swiping. This guy named Collin (I think..) started talking to me. He seemed nice but sorta pushy. Like "lets hang out tonight from 7-10!" I mean I got off work at 7.. and I didn't really have much to do anyways, and I'm trying to be adventurous here..so why not right? I mean, I do what I want! So seven rolled around and he was really weird about it. Like "what do you wanna do?? we can watch a movie here in my apartment..I have the place to myself! but I don't have a car so..." And I'm thinking "oh my god..you asked me to hang out. I guess I can drive.." I went to Lauren's apartment and just hung out and told her all my tindering stories and we had a solid laugh. 

So I drive to this apartment complex and this not too skinny but skinnier than my usual liking guy comes out. He's not bad looking but something about him is just goofy looking. But he seems harmless enough. We went to sodalicious (which is delicious by the way) and then back to his apartment. I sit on one end of the couch and he comes and sits next to me. Like there's still room between us and I'm thinking "Thank god...please don't touch me." Then he scoots over so he's like practically SITTING ON MY LAP. I tried to get my drink and he wrapped his arms around me and at first started to scratch my back. I'm all for back scratches. Then we started talking about school and his mission. Which is kinda weird for me since I've never really had anyone be really interested in my major, who gets me because they're in the exact same position. This college boy thing is strange.. So he's being awkward and then he starts playing with the tear in my leggings. Um HELLO?? you're going to make it bigger. Then he starts rubbing his hand up and down my leg and he's trying to hold my hand at the same time. Then he takes my rings off and is just being AWKWARD. This entire time I'm just sitting here trying not to laugh because he's honestly trying to be....friendly. 

It turns out that Colton* served in the same exact mission as Kelsey did. Like he was there when she showed up to the office when she first got there. Small world eh?

Eventually he starts asking about my tinder experience. So i just told him that I recently got it because I'm a new found single woman. So then he was like "Oh my gosh! Tell me everything!!" I gave him like a 30-second condensed version of it because A. You don't really care. B. I don't know you. and C. No. 

Then his flirt game was amped up and he was pulling out all the stops. It was kind of hilarious. He literally got so close to kissing me so many times and I could see him from the corner of my eye so I would just get really into the T.V. hahahahah. Then he decided that he was going for it. Brushed my hair out of my face and said "Maybe this will help you forget about your boyfriend." Then he solidified everything I thought I knew about BYU RM's. They're horny, cheesey, awful kissers. 

I finally understand the beauty of NCMO's. And I can't say that it was awful. (the kissing was, but the idea was great.) here's to giving this tinder thing a shot. 

H I L A R Y C L I N T O N

Machiavelli was the one who started the idea of REALISM in politics. This is how things are, and this is how we get things done. The means are sometimes worth the ends and morals have no room in politics. If you want to get your agenda done, you have to be willing to do what's required. 

Up until him the main idea floating around was IDEALISM. Plato and Aristotle introduced it as "this is how things and people OUGHT to be." It was much more optimistic. 

In modern day politics, being considered Machiavellian is seen as manipulative and powerful. It's something that no one really knows what to do with and when they're faced with it people tend to panic. It's not a new idea but few have been able to carry it out.

Which brings me to the lovely power couple. 

The Clintons. 

He was president and she was MUCH more than just a first lady who traveled to China and tried to fight childhood obesity (sorry Michelle). Hillary wanted a political career and refused to stand in the shadows of Bill. She was a U.S. senator who served for two years then she ran for the democratic nomination who later became the secretary of state. Up until that point she was a Machiavellian though and through. The moment she started to think in an idealistic mindset was when then-senator from Illinois took the nomination from her and he is now our 44th president. 

Being idealistic cost Hilary the nomination and ultimately the presidency.  

I am Hilary Clinton in a sense. In all my previous relationships I have always been pretty straight forward and when I wanted out, I left. I never really let anyone past my walls and I think that's why it was so easy to pick up and leave when I did. This time it all started off the same. My walls were up and I was sure as hell going to keep them. This was supposed to be a summer fling and there was no reason why it should be anything more than that. I was going to start college in three months and that was that. Before I knew it, those walls I was dead set on keeping up started to fall, and I let them. I consciously chose to let them down and let this  person see all the skeletons I had. He still liked me even after. Even when we had rough spots, I wanted to work it out. I didn't want to walk away. He walked away from me and that's when I knew I was being idealist. 

If Hilary can get her act together and run for the democratic nomination again, so can I. 

G R O W T H

There is something kind of neat you discover about yourself when you are forced into dealing with hardship.

Sixteen year old me ran away when she felt things were getting too serious. She ran away with no real explanation that was owed to someone who treated her wonderfully. 

Eighteen year old me got upset and kissed his best friend. Even though it was a joke of a relationship, no one deserves to have that happen. But at the time, I didn't care. I'm not proud of this, but I was intentionally trying to hurt him because he hurt me first. I wanted to have the last word. 

Twenty year old me understands where he is coming from, confused why he chose to act the way he did, but accepting that things happen for a reason. There's a reason I get to figure myself out right now. I want to take my twenties by the balls and make the most of them. And maybe that means I get to fly solo for a little. Maybe it's time I get to fall in love with myself, power yoga and statistics. The new me really hopes for the best last little bit of senior year for him and as T Swift once said "I hope the sun shines and it's a beautiful day" because sunshine and clear skies mean it's perfect motorcycle weather. There is no part of me that wants to hurt him as bad as he hurt me because there is nothing for me to gain from it. I get nothing except knowing that I am just as immature as I once was. Isn't this whole "growing up" thing about dealing with shitty situations in a new and improved way?

Here's to staying classy, mature, and only letting your mom and best friend see your crazy side. 

H A W A I I

hawaii is simply beautiful. everything from the muggy air to the coast line is marvelous. i plan on returning with someone to cuddle me under the stars and kiss my forehead at the top of Koko head. as you're descending you look out the window and all you see is green. green, a strip of gold and endless miles of blue. that's the moment hawaii stole my heart.

because Hawaii welcomes all

this is at an overlook. the fog made it feel so surreal. on a clear day you can see the entire island.

iced black tea with lily koi jelly. superb. 

the cute coffee shop that Britt works at at the WCC

this is sprunch. half sprite half fruit punch. it's the craze.

 Day one: Britt and Noa picked me up from the airport and it was the craziest thing in the world. I have never been anywhere so humid. It felt like I was swimming just trying to breathe. It rained in honolulu but when we made it to kilua town it was still cloudy but warm. We had lunch at this cute cafe where a girl complemented my slippers, to which i looked at her like she was crazy because I was in my chacos.  not slippers. then I realized that slippers and sandals are the same thing.. woops. then we went to Noa's.. and FHE and then to Auntie Cindy's. Hawaiian mormons are so much nicer. I am a child of God on the ukulele and a bon fire? Yes please.

this was literally outside my window

the jungle was the back yard. literally. 

#selfie

this was the view from the top of the driveway

Our adventure for the day was electric bike riding around Laniki.
shaka brah

                                         

flowers in our hair and bike rides. 

breakfast at cinnamon's. deelish. 

snippets along the way to north shore

passion fruit. they have fresh fruit stands all over the place. it's amazing.

the end of the road leads to this. 

selfies for days

this is hawaii. swimsuits, sandy feet out the window.

best friend & sunset beach. 

sunset beach to end the day was beautiful. 

We did it all on day two. Electric bike riding, three beaches. One of them being SHARKS COVE. Historic north shore, laniki juice, north east shore (BYU-H) and the end of the road. We hit like three beaches and then called it a day.

botanical gardens 

welcome to the most raw place in the world.

light house hike/walk

koko head!

there are "turn back now" signs all up until the actual trail. 

before picture. 

there must have been a lot of effort put into this graffiti since it takes so long to get to the top. 

we did it!

candid. 

on top of hawaii!

Sandy's beach to lay out after hiking all morning

then we went to the WCC to learn about stars. 

then we broke the car after we bought tickets to the PCC the next day.. woops.
this is the longest adventure of the week.

Day three was full of hiking and beaches. When we told locals that we were doing both hikes in the same day, they all thought we were crazy. But the light house one was literally a walk. Koko head was harder but it was so fun! The scariest part was going across the bridge on the way down. Your legs feel all jelly like and you're scared you're going to fall through the planks. Then on our way to dinner we broke the car by hitting a median. So then we had to sleep over at Noa's that night. Britt worked the next day and Noa's mom let her take the car to work while me and Noa ventured off into the ghettos of Hawaii to find four new rims and tires. Aloha spirit at its finest.

PCC show

Day four: While britt was at work, Noa and I went and  found a tire set and then he got to work. After a long day we finally made it to the PCC. we were super late so we only got to go to two villages and then we had spaghetti for dinner.. so that was a little lame. But Ha (that was the name of the actual show) was really good! So that made up for our $60.00 spaghetti. The car was still rattling too much so we took it back to Noa's to see what was going on. We ended up staying the night there anyways. 

nutella crepes for breakfast!

Pie day was ruined. But that's a story for another day.

beach bumming 

Day five: After all the commotion that had occurred, we decided that we needed some salt water therapy. we woke up, got food, then we had  ourselves a Maui beach babe day. We had dinner that night with one of her friends. We had true Hawaiian food. It was good but looked a lot different than I was used to. Then we got cocoa puffs because it's almost impossible to be sad when you're eating those.  

Day six: It was a little hard to be as carefree my last day there. But real life is everywhere, it doesn't matter if you're in Hawaii or Utah, it will catch up to you and bite you in the ass hard. We woke up and tried to see the sun rise but it was raining so we went back to bed. When we woke up, we went to the swamp meet and I finally got me a pair of Hawaii sandals! we walked the entire thing then went to Thai for lunch and it was delicious. Then we went to some little strip mall with the most amazing book store I've ever seen. It was literally covered from wall to floor in books! Used books!! There were stacks all over and it was just beautiful. There is something so healing about books. We decided that we were going to walk the strip in Waikiki that night but it was so windy we decided to stay home. So we red boxed movies, got dressed up, picked up a pizza and had girls night and started to pack up because my flight was Sunday morning. 

Day seven: We woke up, went to the airport and off I went. The airport people are a lot nicer in Hawaii than they were in Utah. I got boarded without a problem and met a girl on my row. The kid sitting next to me was a little monster and his parents didn't say a thing. He was kicking and being annoying all six hours. When I landed in LAX, I called my mom because I wanted to talk to her. She was really one of my rocks when this all happened. But that too is another post all together. My mom really is wonderful though. I had a three hour lay over in LA, I was seriously DYING to come home at that point. Finally 7 had rolled around and I was headed home. To my own bed, my own house, and my momma.. Both my parents and my sister were at the airport when I got there and I just started bawling when I hugged my mom. That was when I knew I was safe, home, and that I would really be okay.

All in all, my trip was so  much fun. I loved Hawaii and it really taught me a lot about myself. Can't wait for my next adventure.