plates & crabs

take a plate. 

now drop it. 

what happens?

say "sorry"

did it fix the plate?

...

have you ever noticed when crabs are in a bucket there's always a smart one who works its way on top and tries to get out. but there's always a brat crab who pulls them back down because if brat crab can't get out no one can. 

...

I like to think of relationships as plates and crabs. Maybe it's because some part of my soul is meant to be on the East Coast going to lobster bakes every weekend or something. But I think that relationships are much like plates. Painted plates really. Every experience is something a new stroke of paint on there. Once you break the other person's trust, you can decide if you want to spend the time and effort to glue together all the shards you now have. Knowing that you might end up bleeding in the process. Because just saying "I'm sorry" doesn't fix anything I've learned. It's only a band-aid to cover up a problem you both are hoping just goes away. 

I can count on one hand how many boys I've said the "L" word to. It's a big deal to me and not something to be taken lightly. If I love you, I'm willing to let you see me cry, to hold me when I'm upset and let you into the deepest darkest corners of myself. So when my heart is broken, it's really hard for me to let the same person back in. I mean why would I? You know exactly how and where to kick me to hurt me the most. What's even worse is when you do take those jabs to purposely hurt me.

Break ups are like crabs. At the end of a broken relationship you have two options. Sit and wallow for months and months or clean up your face and find yourself a new happy. I think in most cases the break up-er is usually the first one to move on, and the break up-ee is the one trying to get them back. At least that's what I've noticed in my personal experience. But this time it was the exact opposite. I wasn't going to sit around being the "best friend in the friend zone" I was going to find my new happy. And I think I did, I found someone who I could have quite possibly been happy with. But I didn't choose him. 

I chose the one person who broke me, fought dirty, made me cry on PI day in HAWAII on SPRING BREAK.

I chose this. 

our kids will obviously have Asian eyes..

Here's to seeing where this wild ride takes us. 

Emotionally Processing.

I've been wanting to write this post for a while now. But I didn't think I was ready to face all these emotions. They're not as raw anymore because I survived to the end. I know I can get through awful situations and I know I have a solid group of individuals who love me. 

During those 4 weeks I learned a lot about myself. 

I learned that I'm a lot stronger than I thought I was. Up until that point, I never imagined that our relationship would come to an end. It just wasn't something that would happen. Not to us. We were the high school sweethearts that would defy all odds and have it all. The nice house with an office, our degrees hanging from the wall, granite counter tops and french doors. I honestly didn't know how I could cope without my other half. I think where this all stemmed from was this relationship being my first love. I didn't know what it was like to want someone to be happy even if it meant without you. That's why I was so willing to let this idea play out. If you think being happy without me is what you want, go ahead. I'll find myself a new happy. So that's what I went looking for. 

During that phone call in Hawaii, I was fighting so many emotions. I was heartbroken- the one person I loved was choosing to walk away from me. It was the typical "it's not you, it's me". Angry- he broke up with me on THE PHONE and when I mentioned this he said "well.. you called." Frustrated- I made it through graduation, losing all my friends and finding the ones who are really keepers. I knew the ropes. Why was I the very first thing to get cut out? Understanding- My high school experience differed a lot from his. I was single for the most part and I kissed my fair share of boys (which he promptly reminded me of), I worked myself into awfully sticky situations and often times, bailed myself out. I wasn't ready to be any one person's. I was my own and I loved every minute of it. He was the kid who was always in a relationship. So I guess I understood when he wanted to "hang with his buddies." Confusion- If you weren't sure you wanted to stay, then why the hell did you ask to? Why the hell did you make me feel like we could work through this if you were planning on ditching me a week later? Love- even though it had been quite some time since he had told me he loved me, or even showed it. I knew it was real when I wanted him to find his happiness. Even if that didn't include me.

Through that call, I kept myself together. And by that I mean that I was able to talk through the tears and I was able to think of what NEEDED to be said, not what I wanted to say. 

Once I hung up, I felt hollow for a minute, then I felt myself crumple. The calm before the storm. It was sort of like an outer body experience. I could hear these awful sobs and feel a shortness of breath. It took me a minute to realize they were coming from me. It was the ugly cry where you get snot in your hair and you're fighting to breathe. Once you inhale instead of calming yourself down, you just go into another fit and your body is just shaking. No matter how many times you try to pull yourself together, you just can't. 

As time went on, I cried. A lot. On my way home, I cried in LAX when I talked to my mom. I cried when she picked me up from the airport, and when he dropped off Britt's present, I was livid. It was a angry cry. A "what the fuck makes you think you are welcome anywhere near my house?". My mom told me it'd be easier to get angry. But being angry is so exhausting and he wasn't worth it anymore. He didn't want me so why should I exert any energy in him anymore? I just wanted to be sad. So I was. 

Britt pulled my cards one day and they were all sort of the same thing. One was a tunnel with a light at the end, support, and two freedoms. I felt like it was the universe telling me that there is light at the end of the tunnel and that I was going to make it. With so many upcoming changes in the near future, the others just told me that whatever I decided to do, I would have the support I required. I was being told time and time again that I was going to be okay. That I was going to come out of this so much stronger than ever before. 

Four weeks later, I realized I did. This new me knows how to handle a real heart break. Knows that she's not the not-so-pretty friend, not the perma wing woman anymore. I think that has always been an insecurity of mine. My best friends growing up always had boys all over them and after a while it gets old... I played it off as "I don't have time for anyone else anyways.." "I don't even care" "there's no one here that I would even WANT to date." but after so many years of being wing woman, you start to think that it's because you aren't as pretty, skinny, funny, easy or whatever. I think these four weeks taught me that i'm great. If I have to try to impress you, you aren't worth my time. I came to love myself in a whole new light and I'm finally realizing that I don't have to settle for anyone. I'm a catch that is worth fighting for.

 I learned to handle things gracefully upfront and that the crazy is saved for the best friends and mom, to find the good in a shitty situation and what I really want in the man I want to marry. So I can't say that this break up was all bad. 

And it gets better.. 

March 5, 2014

***** the following events are from my point of view. this is strictly my side of the story and the boy's side can be read here.*****

the days leading up to the 5th of March has been somewhat less than ideal. it was a lot of bickering about a bullet bike. should he get it or not. finally i came to the conclusion that it really was his money and his decision if he wanted to spend all he had saved on a bike that would end up with him smeared across the road. again. i let him know i supported and loved him with any decision he decided to go forward with. this revelation came around 4am so i didn't expect to hear anything about it until the following morning. boy, was i in for quite the shocker. 

he didn't mention anything about my heartfelt message instead he shared an idea and it went something like this. 

"So, I love you. And I love spending time with you, but I'm wondering if i should focus more on my friends at school cause it's prolly the last three months I'll spend with them?" 

my mind automatically jumps to he's breaking up with me because he wants to spend time with his friends? what the hell? so naturally I called my best friend bawling and we had a heart to heart. from what I remember our conversation got nowhere. we were broken up basically but we were going to make it official in person because after two years I at least deserve that. needless to say I was an emotional mess. I made it to my stats class and then I sat down in American Heritage for about a minute when I felt my face getting hot, my breathing getting short and then the water works. I ran out of class and went to my old taekwondo studio. I had a really good talk with Tara and she convinced me to get a priesthood blessing. At that point, i felt so bad that I was willing to try anything so I agreed. when I got to work I realized i forgot my badge and had to run up to HR to get a new one which was horrid because all of taylor's neighborhood works in HR. so off I went and when I was introduced as "Taylor's Girlfriend" I died, and when someone asked me how long we'd been dating. I cried. for about .05 seconds but it was enough that Taylor's mom got word of it and she was on a trip to Arizona. the irony of all ironies, I had to cater that night. "Here let me serve you ice cream. All night. Because you are in love and the person I love just broke up with me because his friends are more important than I am. Chocolate or vanilla?" finally that night ended and my lovely boss sent me home with a gallon of chocolate ice cream and countless hugs throughout the night. 

the next day I woke up at 7 am, made it to Tara's house and Ron, my old sparring coach gave me the sweetest blessing. I had such a sense of peace was over me that I knew I was going to make it out alive. We agreed that he was supposed to come over after school to pick up all his stuff. i went to work and almost cried in my pod. luckily, my work best friend gave me a pep talk and I was ready. I drove to my house with my game face on and ready to get this over with. I get everything in a box and when he gets here I open the door and him his box and get my sunglasses. then he doesn't say anything and just looks at me. I ask "what?" and he goes "it wasn't supposed to be this hard.." and i crumbled and he held me. and we decided we weren't breaking up.  

on saturday, we went up to salt lake to look at a bike and on the ride home he yelled at me because I yelled while he was driving. then he took himself home and was supposed to call me that night but he didn't. he fell asleep. on Sunday he was supposed to come over to help me pack for Hawaii but he was too busy so I dropped off his phone cord, got a hug and a peck goodbye and that was our last kiss. 

I left to hawaii knowing something was wrong and when I got there he was short with me, never told me he loved me anymore and then he finally said "I think we need to talk when you get home." and i felt relieved. he realized something was wrong and wanted to fix it. but i still had a knot in my stomach. the next day I asked him where his head was at and he said something along the lines of "I've dated you for almost two of my three years of high school and i feel like i've hurt you too much." I called him and seven minutes later, I was a single woman. I have never felt so broken, so sad or so helpless ever in my life. My first real love just left me and I don't know why. 

 I sort of understood why, I mean I know first hand that after graduation you lose a lot of friends because it's hard keeping in touch. But it felt like that conversation was "this is why you ruined high school for me. I have two months to make it all up now" what was most frustrating for me was that I was the first thing to get cut out. um hello? if anyone can help you through this, it's me. I did it. with you by my side.. 

I had a lovely support system when I got home. My mom was my rock, my friends really stepped up and when I finally decided to unfriend him on facebook, twitter, snapchat and insta, i felt good. I was moving on.  I didn't want to see any of his "i'm single now" posts. 

three weeks later he added me on facebook, then took it back and then I messaged him asking if he meant to do that and he told me he wasn't ready to be my friend yet. it pissed me off. why the hell are you talking to me to tell me that you aren't ready to talk to me? 

a week later we started to talk again. he asked to be blocked from my blog. I said no. it was the same night I had my first date with Tanner. I can't remember if it was before or after that, that the boy suggested that we test other relationships to see if this is what's right for us. I remember thinking "what a stupid idea.. no. we are not dragging someone else into our shit because we have no idea what we're doing." 

I started to really like Tanner. I mean what are the chances that I get out of a really long relationship and a really sweet guy who likes to do all the things I do literally lands in my lap? He asked me to be his girlfriend before I left to California and I said I would think about it. I was ready to say yes. But for some reason, I decided that stalking the boy would be a good idea.. I found a status about no pretty girl to go on a bike ride with and then he asked another girl. I was fairly pissed off. The back of that bike is my spot...

Then after a long day at disneyland, it's one am and i'm in bed, passed out. I wake up for some odd reason and he's calling me. why is he calling me at one am? I ignored him and then I get this text. I don't know if it's because i'm exhausted or what but i'm not processing.. 

So this boy..

This boy's name is Tanner. He's really sweet, kisses the back of my hand and dips me when he kisses me. 

We first met last Saturday and that was the previous post, he asked me to go over the next day after conference to watch a movie. One turned to two and after a back rub I fell asleep half way through Spider-Man 2. 

Monday we just talked all day.

The first thing he said to me on Tuesday was "wanna go to lunch?" So off to waffle love we went that day. Afterwards, I took him to my favorite park and we just sat on a bench and talked until he had to work. 

Wednesday he told me he wanted to see me before I left to California. Which was strange because I just saw him, but it was flattering. He lives in mapleton so the fact that he's willing to come so far out of his way to see me is sweet. We agreed on a late movie after work. Off to capitan America we went! It was a really good movie and he asked me to go camping with him next weekend up in payson lakes. I said yes because why not? Then he was being weird and started asking random questions. 

T: "I have a question for you.." 

A: "yes?"

T: "uhh... Do you like my new pants?"

A: "oh new jeans are always great!" 

T: "what about my cologne? Which one do you like more?" 

A: "uh both! What's your actual question..?" 

T: "you tell me my question."

A: "I don't know your question. But I know your jeans isn't what you really want to talk about." 

T: " will you be my girlfriend..?"

He did the whole works. Flowers, a movie and was just the sweetest. But something wasn't quite right. So I told him I'd think about it.. 

And it wasn't until last night that I realized why I couldn't say yes..

clarity

everyone always talks about how in the middle of a trial, they sometimes experience a moment of pure clarity and then they just know that everything will be okay. i never really doubted that they did, but i never expected it to happen to me. then it did and it was amazing.

Taylor Richard and I broke up three weeks ago. It was messy, my heart was broken and I had a lot I left unsaid because when I can feel my heart breaking inside of me, I can't really put sentences together. So I wrote. I wrote every last thing I wanted said in hopes that one day he would read it. This Saturday I get a text from him asking to be blocked from my blog. I said no. We tried being friends for the day. It was a lot easier for me than I imagined. He let me know he was sad and lonely and for some odd reason, that made me feel so much better. Knowing that he was having just as hard of a time.. But that's so wrong because if he had been fine, my heart would have been rebroken. It just means I would be putting my self value into how long it takes for him to move on..
I know I'm in the process of moving on right now, and it's incredible. But I would hate for him to think that because I am moving on, it diminishes what we had. No one says it better than 500 days of summer,

We're simply growing into the people we are going to be the rest of our lives and it doesn't make what we shared any less special, incredible or lovable. He will always be my first love and whenever my kids ask about my first love, my mind will jump back to high school Spanish class and the cocky sophomore who stole my heart. 

Taylor and I had a really good talk. It was simple, and straight forward and I had said everything I needed to. I left with nothing but good vibes. When we said "see ya later" for the last time, my heart was just as peace. It was the exact peace I felt when I got my blessing a few weeks earlier. I knew in my gut that for whatever reason Taylor and I aren't ready for each other right now. I didn't feel sad or upset or even angry. I handled it like a grown woman and this is what needs to happen. My moment of pure clarity was incredible. I don't want to get too spiritual or anything, but I feel like it was the spirit telling me this was right, this is what needs to happen for both of us. Heavenly Father is leading me into a direction completely different than I would have ever imagined and I know it's only been three weeks, but I already love it and I can feel myself growing into a completely new person. 

tinder, take dos

Tanner likes to rock climb, hold doors open and served in Argentina. Not Kelsey's mission though. He started talking to me first and was different than anyone I'd talked to. Usually it's something like "Hey" or some cheesy complement about your smile. But he was very straight forward and said something like "You look like a pretty cool girl, what city do you live in?" so we started talking and it was so normal. like not tinder normal. like real life normal so when he asked for my phone number I totally gave it to him.

We started talking and it was good morning and good night texts, and real questions. not like "so..what's up?" Eventually he asked me on a date. Being adventurous and stuff, I said yes! Finally Saturday rolls around and I'm FREAKING out. I'm pretty sure this guy is cute and I had nothing to wear. In the midst of my panic, the boy started talking to me. So now the knot in my belly just doubled. I finally decide on black jeans, rolled up with tan sperrys, a turquoise t shirt and a blue jacket. Totally oops I'm cute. I even painted my nails so it looks like I have my act together. I made Lauren come over because I was freaking out. First dates are awful feeling. And dealing with the boy too made it a little harder. 

Anyways, 6 comes around and he picks me up at Lauren's because I don't want him to know where I live in case he's a crazy weirdo.We do the awkward friend side hug thing and we get in his car. He opens my door and off to noodles we went. He kinda sings softly when he drives and drums along to every beat. He's really nice and we just talk about school. He's starting at UVU this summer and he's thinking going pre-med and an art minor. I tell him my plan to take over the world and he laughs. After dinner I asked where we were going and he wouldn't tell me. The only clue he gave me was "You can see it from here actually" So I'm thinking like the Y or something and I'm really not thrilled. I hate the Y. After a few failed guesses, he said "rock canyon! The plan is to scramble up this cliff and make it to the top for sunset!" We get there and he leads the way and it was so fun. I love climbing but it's a little terrifying at the same time. This guy is like a serious spider monkey and he's been climbing for only two years. I kept up pretty nicely and he even noticed. So that was cool. The view from the top was beautiful. We go there a little sooner than we thought so we just played twenty questions and he died at all the stories I had about me and Britt trying to take on the woods. 

After the sunset we went and played pool at fat cats. I successfully made myself look like a idiot. But I've learned that if you bat your eyelashes and flash your smile enough, it does't matter how bad you are at pool, all is forgiven. I thought that would be the end of the night but he had yet another surprise. We drove up the water tower and he showed me the coolest part of his car. The back seats folded, and he had like lake powell pad that fit perfectly to make it like a baby couch! So we sat back there and the view was ridiculous. I forgot how much I loved being up there. Another cool thing was that his auxiliary cord reached from the front of the car to the very back so we had our playlists going the entire time. This guys taste in music was through the roof. Young the giant, mumford and sons, Frank Sinatra. Yes please. He would just drum the entire time and sing along with the songs. But he would change the lyrics so it was about me. And my heart melted (which is dumb since i bet he sings to all his dates). We listened to SO many songs and it was so funny cause we had a story for like every song. He pulled out all the stops when he was like "I have a classic ready." and it was Lucky by Brittney Spears. Shut the front door right?? So we just cuddled there for a little and then he played "kiss me" by sixpence none the richer, we both were just singing along to it then the last line goes "so kiss me" and it was right before that, he tilted my chin towards him, sang me that part and kissed me. We hung out there trading stories until like 1:30 in the morning and it was so easy. Like i didn't feel like I had to try to impress him or anything.. 

I'm realizing that RM's adjust at all sorts of different rates. Both Collin..Colton...whatever, and Tanner have been home since December and one's creepy and pushy, and the other is a gent. And normal. Note to self* Don't date BYU boys.

tinder, take one

Tinder became the hot new thing while I was in a relationship. I knew it was there but out of respect to him, I didn't get one. Until I realized he already got one.. and had been matching with other girls. So I got my own tinder. A few swipes to the right later and I met some really nice guys. Of course I never hung out with any of them, it was just fun and something the boy and I laughed about.

Fast forward to this last Tuesday, I was at a friends house and her friend came over and was talking about all the tinder woes he was dealing with. I thought to myself. "Why not?" So I redownloaded it and got to swiping. This guy named Collin (I think..) started talking to me. He seemed nice but sorta pushy. Like "lets hang out tonight from 7-10!" I mean I got off work at 7.. and I didn't really have much to do anyways, and I'm trying to be adventurous here..so why not right? I mean, I do what I want! So seven rolled around and he was really weird about it. Like "what do you wanna do?? we can watch a movie here in my apartment..I have the place to myself! but I don't have a car so..." And I'm thinking "oh my god..you asked me to hang out. I guess I can drive.." I went to Lauren's apartment and just hung out and told her all my tindering stories and we had a solid laugh. 

So I drive to this apartment complex and this not too skinny but skinnier than my usual liking guy comes out. He's not bad looking but something about him is just goofy looking. But he seems harmless enough. We went to sodalicious (which is delicious by the way) and then back to his apartment. I sit on one end of the couch and he comes and sits next to me. Like there's still room between us and I'm thinking "Thank god...please don't touch me." Then he scoots over so he's like practically SITTING ON MY LAP. I tried to get my drink and he wrapped his arms around me and at first started to scratch my back. I'm all for back scratches. Then we started talking about school and his mission. Which is kinda weird for me since I've never really had anyone be really interested in my major, who gets me because they're in the exact same position. This college boy thing is strange.. So he's being awkward and then he starts playing with the tear in my leggings. Um HELLO?? you're going to make it bigger. Then he starts rubbing his hand up and down my leg and he's trying to hold my hand at the same time. Then he takes my rings off and is just being AWKWARD. This entire time I'm just sitting here trying not to laugh because he's honestly trying to be....friendly. 

It turns out that Colton* served in the same exact mission as Kelsey did. Like he was there when she showed up to the office when she first got there. Small world eh?

Eventually he starts asking about my tinder experience. So i just told him that I recently got it because I'm a new found single woman. So then he was like "Oh my gosh! Tell me everything!!" I gave him like a 30-second condensed version of it because A. You don't really care. B. I don't know you. and C. No. 

Then his flirt game was amped up and he was pulling out all the stops. It was kind of hilarious. He literally got so close to kissing me so many times and I could see him from the corner of my eye so I would just get really into the T.V. hahahahah. Then he decided that he was going for it. Brushed my hair out of my face and said "Maybe this will help you forget about your boyfriend." Then he solidified everything I thought I knew about BYU RM's. They're horny, cheesey, awful kissers. 

I finally understand the beauty of NCMO's. And I can't say that it was awful. (the kissing was, but the idea was great.) here's to giving this tinder thing a shot.